The Bachelorette Premiere: Everychad and Santa’s Naughty List

Well here we are. You, me, and some girl named Joelle. Wading into the murky waters of another season of The Bachelorette. Joelle–or as you might know her, JoJo–reminds me a lot of myself. We’re both born in 1990, have been told we were loved by a man named Ben, and then ultimately lied to. But before we get into that, let’s talk about how I went MIA for Ben’s season. I know you might feel betrayed. I know you might never let me raise your child. But here I am, with roses in hand, asking you to go on this journey with me. Take me back. Let me be your JoJo, or something.

JoJo was whisked away in the final two because Ben Higgins didn’t choose her as a #ForeverLove, and for about six minutes, she was practically a garbage person. THEN they told her that she’s going to get her own season to find love. That’s right! Oceans and rocks and personal abodes for JoJo to ponder her future. It’s a blessing.

Naturally, JoJo is so nervous. Fortunately, she does the same thing that I do when she’s nervous: put on your best floral print roper, call up your girls, talk about kissing. She pulls in Ali, Kaitlyn, and Desiree to talk business. Ultimately, they toast to JoJo’s husband and getting engaged, and drunk guys. YOU GO GIRLS! Totes ready, JoJo throws on her sparkle gown and heads to the damn mansion because it’s time.

Anyway, we get a nice overshot of the cityscape before we turn to Chris Harrison to give us a voiceover about the night ahead. If I say it once, I’ll say it over and over this season, Chris Harrison is the real America’s sweetheart.

Grant, 28, is a firefighter. He makes fire puns, but he’s black, and I can confirm that has never been helpful for anyone on this show. Meanwhile, Jordan (Aaron Rodgers’ little brother) is going to do fine, because he’s vaguely famous, -7% body fat, and has a jawline that cut the very baguette I’m eating right now. Alex, a marine, has a twin. That’s all that you need to know, tbh. James S. is listed as a Bachelor superfan. He talks to himself in the mirror and also does a lot of pushups. I don’t relate to the latter two things.

The first of what I’m sure is a TON of Nashville contestants… we meet Evan, who is a one-time pastor turned erectile dysfunction specialist. Following him is Ali, another person of color. I’m SUPER into him because he’s adorable and plays piano. Trying to really break the mold, Bachelor introduced Christian, who is also a person of color. On the other side of the fence is Luke, a “country boy” from Texas. His narrative is super deep, so you can guarantee he makes final four.

Outside of the pre-taped packages, we get to business. Jo Jo rolls up in gold and Chris Harrison welcomes her in. First out of the gate is Jordan Rodgers, second string son. Following him is Derek and then Grant, who promises not to fall in love with two girls… which makes sense. James F, boxing coach, follows… and I’m here for James F. And then after that is Robby, who brings a bottle of wine that they drink directly out of, which is my preferred method. Marine Alex, or Maralex, follows him. Will, who apparently brought conversation cards. It started off as a cute pun, but fell flat, like I’m sure the rest of his personality is.

After Will comes Chad, who acts like a total Chad. Met one Chad, met most Chads, if we’re being honest. Unfortunately, after that comes a man named Daniel who makes a “Damn Daniel” joke. I’m immediately distracted and carefree though because Ali comes next and he’s wearing BOOTS. James Taylor follows but he doesn’t matter because we’re getting married and you can’t have him. Honestly guys… I’m obsessed with James Taylor and everything about him. And then Jonathan, who is Chinese/Scottish, comes in wearing a kilt and all the guys are like, “U WERRING SKIRT.”

And then of course, there’s Santa Claus. “Saint Nick” rolls up in a Santa costume and gives her a present to open. However, the guys won’t be on the nice list next year because they HATE him. Chase follows Saint Nick with mustache glasses. And of course, Sal brings his “balls” for JoJo. Coley is in real estate and wants to take JoJo “off the market,” and then Brandon is… something. Bachelor Superfan is pointless. Wells brings All 4 One to sing, “I Swear,” which means that no other introduction matters to me because that was just wonderful.

Of course, following up with his narrative, Veteran Luke rides in on a unicorn. I’m super over it. But then the most important man returns… Chris Harrison, letting JoJo know that it’s time to go inside and tbh, THANK GOD. I’m exhausted. Aren’t you exhausted? We need a break. And so we get it.

Inside, James Taylor continues to win my heart forever. Chad continues to be… a Chad. Actually, let’s go ahead and decide that for however long he lasts, his nickname is Everychad. Aw, look guys!! First nickname!! JoJo is super excited that they’re all hot. But the hottest of all is Maralex, who steals JoJo away to do pushups for her. Derek steals her next, and it’s clear that he’s actually kind of endearing… NOT a winner, but definitely endearing. JoJo is looking for that ~natural ease~ with a guy, and that’s when production makes a hard pivot to Jordan Rodgers, second string offspring. Clearly they have connections.

Will, being a sneaky snake, steals JoJo away to use his cootie catcher to steal a kiss. Then Second String Jordan (another official nickname!!) comes to get a REAL kiss with Joelle. Following it, she stumbles away saying, “his butt, his butt.” Anyway, first impression rose comes out and it’s clearly going to Jordan. The other guys are capital B-bitter. Somehow, Wells has managed to keep All 4 One around to sing to JoJo all night… can you imagine having such a shitty personality that production is like, “We’re going to stick this band with you. Yeah, all night. Sorry bro.” Everychad steps in next and tries to be vulnerable.

After that, Damn Daniel comes in and tries to explain his opening joke to JoJo, and she’s not into it. So clearly, Daniel gets wasted. He pokes Evan in the belly button, which apparently a MAJOR offense in dude world. Then he gets wasted, takes his suit off, gets into tiny underwear and dives in the pool. Following that, everyone gets wasted, and it gets messy 4 real. Long hair, don’t care breaks into JoJo’s diary session, followed by Vinny. JoJo is like, “Not here for this.” But like… we are, so just deal, girl.

In an effort to chill the night down, Ali plays Beethoven. My pants practically fall off, but not in the Daniel way but like… the good way. Drunk guys are still running around, but JoJo makes her way over to Nick B who, if you read my preview, is definitely the guy who I’d be most down to chill with for life. But then she talks to James Taylor and then to Luke, both Texans. At the end of the day though, Luke is the Texan you make out with for funsies. James Taylor is the Texan you take home to mama. But neither Texan matters right now because it is Jordan that gets that first impression rose.

But we only have like 30 minutes left and it’s going to take most of that time to get through these 400 guys. But we also still have that teaser where there’s apparently a surprise guest? Honestly. Who knows what’s going to happen. I can tell you: Jake Pavelka happens. JoJo says that Jake Pavelka is apparently a close family friend, but he admits that he needs to talk to JoJo. Mind you, Jake is 38 and JoJo is practically a toddler. Fortunately, he just tells her that she should trust her gut.

AND THAT SHE DOES. It’s time for Power Rankings, so LET’S DO THIS.

  1. Second String Jordan
  2. Veteran Luke
  3. James Taylor-Kirkland
  4. Snobby Robby
  5. Saint Nick B
  6. Derek
  7. MarAlex
  8. Next Bachelor Christian
  9. Everychad
  10. Ali!
  11. Chase
  12. Brandon
  13. Boxer James
  14. Black Grant
  15. Will
  16. Wells
  17. E.D. Evan
  18. Superfan James S
  19. Vinny
  20. Damn Naked Daniel

So there’s that. BIG hit for the Chinese/Scottish community. Goodbye and goodnight to sweet Coley, Jake, Jonathan, Nick S, Peter, and Sal. None of which are surprising in particular. In the season ahead, we see drama ahead and love brewing ALL OVER THE PLACE. Most of all, we see that Everychad essentially threatens to go Carrie on the whole house. Like… I’m talking that he’s threatened lives. I LOVE it.

But now it’s between you and me. Tell me your hopes and dreams. Tell me who you love most (but not James Taylor, because he’s mine. You can have Chad). Tell me who you hate (this can also be Chad). And then, of course, tell me who’s going to win (this is Jordan. Save your breath). Let’s let it all settle so that we can digest it, and we’ll meet back here next week and shake it all out. Until then, I love you. I’ve missed you. We’re back together and we’re stronger than we’ve ever been. We’re practically Trista and Ryan.

With love and roses,
Justin

 

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