Lord. Here we go. Bachelorette time.
I know I was gone for a while. I know that I missed most of Ben’s season, but in your heart of hearts, isn’t it fair to say that we all missed most of Ben’s season? I think we can. Because I never wanted to fight for Ben. I wanted to fight for Jubilee. I wanted to fight for Caila, but never quite got there for Ben. Unfortunately, I believe my absence has been recognized and found punishable by putting JoJo as this summer’s Bachelorette. Sigh. I had a turtle named JoJo, but that’s neither here nor there.
The difference is, I’m ready to try for JoJo. I want to want love for JoJo. And after looking at this year’s lineup, it would seem that she has a lot of opportunities to find it. Granted, there were a lot of opportunities I had in college to do, like, ecstasy or LSD, but it doesn’t mean I chose to do them because it’s important to be selective about the vulnerable moments you are provided with in life. Similarly, there are a few guys on here that I’ll flip out if JoJo ends up with, with a particular focus on the guy who says “a woman shouldn’t touch the check or the door” on a first date. But I could speak in roundabout generalities and metaphors all day… instead, let’s jump into these evaluations.
Alex, 25
Alex is a solid start. He’s never going to win, but he’s a pretty solid way to kick off the list. He’s basically a child, but the kind of child that you’d trust to cross the street alone. He has a twin, which is pretty hot admirable. He also wants to get his master’s and was one of the few who didn’t list Dumb and Dumber as his favorite movie. I’d support Alex.
Ali, 27
Let’s do a fast take on Ali–first and foremost, he did list Dumb and Dumber as one of his favorite movies. He’s 5’8, and I think we all know how we feel about that, AMIRITE LADIES? But outside of that, there’s nothing particularly good or bad about Ali. We’ll call him week two fodder. He may drink too much on the first night. Who knows really. Who cares.
Brandon, 28
I’ve never met a Brandon that I was particularly in love with. I’m just being honest. I can’t see this 28 year old hipster breaking that streak, but I like to believe in miracles, so I’ll give him my best shot. Because he’s ~unconventional~ he lists Her as one of his favorite movies, but let’s get real… any straight man who loved Her was there mostly for Scarlett Johansen’s voice.
Chad, 28
Chad is such a Chad. His greatest accomplishment to date is “being born good looking,” and he uses the same botched McConaughey quote to answer three different questions. With that being said, Chad is hot, like a lot of Chads are. His worst date memory is when a girl got black out drunk and passed out at dinner, (and not that it was his responsibility) but like… how did that even happen?
Chase, 27
Poor Chase. You know that contestant every season that literally disappears into the darkness and then you’re like, “Who’s that dude in the back in the top 8? His name’s Chase? Weird.” Exactly. He has a lion tattoo. He’s attractive enough. Adventurous enough. Cool enough. He’s the Samantha of this season. You know what I’m talking about.
Christian, 26
Let’s evaluate Christian as if there’s not a huge bias working against him because he’s a black man. Christian is kind of adorable and pretty much normal. He does seem to have a hairy past re: his ex and the chihuahua that she took from him (yikes), but other than that, he wants to spoil his grandchildren. From my viewpoint, Christian is good people.
Coley, 27
I desperately wanted to date Coley in college. Into Harry Potter. Considering the idea of getting a tattoo. Says ‘Merica ironically. Seems like he brushes his teeth. Back in the day, Coley was my JAM. But there’s something about his casual henley that says, “Let’s go to Ruby Tuesday for our anniversary,” and you’re just like, “I don’t know how it all played out like this.”
Derek, 29
Derek is top 6 material. He loves the movie Hook. He’s a commercial banker, so he can take care of you, etc. He says he most admires Ben Franklin, which is a nice deviation from “my mom” or “Will Farrell.” But when asked about what three things he’d take on an island, he opts to say, “As long as the island isn’t covered in cucumbers, I’ll be fine.” Not the question, Ashley S bro. Bets are that he’s super weird.
Daniel, 31
In response to the question “Are you comfortable wearing swimwear in public?” Daniel said, “Very comfortable. Why have a lambo if you park it in the garage?” So, move over that hacksaw and your hammer to make way for a new tool for the shed. Also, for the record, Daniel is 31, which in Bachelorette years is 80.
Evan, 33
So at first glance, I almost knocked Evan out based on age and that little thing his hair is doing. It’s as if it’s escaping, but also staying on his head to say “hayyy.” Anyway, Evan isn’t bad. He seems hella sincere (favorite memory from childhood? going to Disney with his grandma) and he refers to his sexual energy as “beautiful” and “powerful.” If JoJo doesn’t want to date Evan, I’d be down. LOL, jk, but srsly.
Grant, 27
Grant is a firefighter, but something about his appearance makes me feel like he’s the kind of guy who would insult you on a dating app. I spoke to a few Grants on Grindr once. They also go by the name Tyler or Bryce. I don’t have enough information to make that harsh of an assessment (other than him getting slapped by his ex at a bar/him hating Harry Potter (!!)), but yeah… IDK. Grant is not going to fly, y’all.
Jake, 26
I’m going to be irrationally upset when Jake is eliminated because he’s a precious one. Jake is attractive, has a typically white name, is kind enough that you want to root for him but boring enough that he’s not going to win. Oh Black Jake. In another life, I would make you stay, so I don’t have to say that you were another charming POC on the Bachelor franchise who got away. I’m going to start my campaign RIGHT NOW for #Jake4Bachelor. He’s a sweet one. Mark my words.
James F, 34
James F is (in the f**k, marry, kill of Jameses) definitely the f**k. He’s 34, the oldest of the bunch, so he’s seen some shit. He’s super handsome, and one of his favorite movies is Les Miserables, which is super exciting if you’re into that kind of thing (CAN U EVEN HEAR THE PEOPLE SING, BRO?). He’s lasering off his tattoos apparently, which says that he’s ready to be a grown up. James F will ultimately flip out on another contestant. It will be disappointing, but unsurprising.
James S, 27
James S is apparently a Bachelor Superfan who hates fish and has had sex with very few women. I would describe myself in the same way. I’ll let you do with that what you will.
James Taylor, 29
Ok, here we go. In a perfect world, James Taylor would win because I’m obsessed with him. He is, in my estimation, the dreamiest of the bunch, and I’m super into it. Unfortunately, I have to dock him a half point for using the word “daddy” in his interview because that’s weird. Otherwise, he’s just a slice of muscular American pie, y’all.
Jonathan, 29
HOLD UP. Unless my Bachelor(ette) history escapes me, is this the first time we’ve had an Asian man on the show? Forgive me if I’m mistaken (let’s be honest, you completely forgot Alexander Hamilton existed until that musical), but this deserves a nod. I see you, production. With that tangent complete, he’s not going to go far at all. He’s too normal and logical. Scoffs at gluten allergies. I’m too excited about Jonathan and thus, will have him torn away from me too soon.
Jordan, 27
Jordan, on the other hand, will make it to the final round. He will also be the next Bachelor, because it’s a good narrative. He’s Aaron Rodgers’ younger brother. His physique is always in style. He has that haircut. He almost has too much star power to win because he’d overshadow JoJo, but just enough to keep the series going. Furthermore, when asked about the wildest thing he’s done in the bedroom, he said, “Try to hang a TV on the wall without directions or a stud finder.” Jordan is just wonderful.
Luke, 31
Age be damned. Creepy angle of his portrait be damned. I think Luke is my choice to win it all. I’m not following my gut because my gut gets me nowhere. My gut leads me to crying over James Taylor even though JoJo, nor myself, are going to have a future with James Taylor. But Luke? And his war veteran, Lonesome Dove-loving status? America loves that. And JoJo will, too. JoJo and Luke will find love, and I’m gonna be HELLA annoyed by it. (Also vaguely looks like John Stamos)
Nick B, 33
I’m a really big Nick B fan because he strikes me as the kind of guy who wears husky jeans just because they’re super comfortable. Like, you can put on your sweats and crash on the couch and Nick B is going to look up from the kitchen and be like, “Babe. You want me to get you some chips,” and you’ll be like, “Doritos. Thanks honey.” Nick B is who you kick it with in your second marriage. We should all be aspiring for Nick B’s. I don’t think he’ll win, but just for the record, he’s end game.
Nick S, 26
Well. Nick S is wearing a scarf. Not like… a trendy scarf, but more like an ascot. He also wears a double-breasted, salmon-colored shirt which could make him European, but also could make him gay. I don’t like calling people gay on the Internet, but like, we also live in the post-DOMA America, so if he is, like, good for you double-breasted Nick S! He says that he’s ready to assume “any position,” which I’m actively reporting on without any context to the question asked. And that ascot likely has to do with him being an Eagle Scout.
Peter, 26
Well, in putting together this list and these photos, I forgot Peter from the outset, which can’t forecast great things for him in the future. He used to be a “sk8er boi” but knows what the Mesozoic era is, so it’s honestly a toss up as to what we should do with Peter. He seems like a plenty nice guy. If I ran into Peter at a Staples and felt exceptionally chatty that day, I would feel comfortable asking him if he knew where the reams of printer paper were. And that’s probably it.
Robby, 27
Former professional swimmer Robby is, in a word, a dreamboat. Sadly, he’s a fan of Wolf of Wall Street, which means he’s either into money, the word f**k, or prosthetic penises, but other than that, Robby seems way chill. He loves kids and honeysuckles, which means that I automatically love him. He defines himself as a hopeless romantic, and I can get on board with that.
Sal, 28
Oh, Sal. So here’s the deal with Sal–he answers the question, “What three things would you bring on a deserted island?” exactly in the way that you’d think a Sal would: “Cell phone, gun, portable air conditioner. No Kardashians on the island.” I give him points for wearing a button down in his picture. I take those points away for simply being named Sal.
Vinny, 28
Vinny is a precious gift from the Lord. He’s a barber, even though he wears his hair the same way I demanded to wear my hair for two weeks straight in fourth grade. He knows how to cook Italian food and once flew down to Mexico to “surprise his boys on spring break,” and even though that sounds vaguely douchey, for some reason I find it refreshingly endearing.
Wells, 31
Wells’ portrait makes him look like a little boy, which is mostly precious. He’s a radio DJ, which clearly makes him a party starter as well. I was a little confused when he was asked where he’d like to see himself in five years because he said “syndicated,” but then I remembered that whole DJ thing. He’s going to be SHOCKED when he doesn’t get a rose.
Will, 26
Will is 6’2 1/2, which I think says a lot about Will. Not the actual height, but the fact that there’s always one guy in the room who insists on throwing the half inch in there. REGARDLESS, Will’s go-to move at parties is the Bernie, which I can support REAL HARD. He talks about how he wants to be John Mayer, and that’s a tough pill to swallow for me, but at the end of the day, half of my heart wants to love Will and the other half of my heart is ready to say goodbye. HALF OF MY HEART WON’T DO.
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