The Bachelor: Taking a Lace of Absence

Y’ALL. We have some things to talk about. The Bachelor jumps into week three, and it’s all. about. airplanes. Airplanes and alienating other girls to make yourself feel better. And then there’s Lace. Well, Lace and Olivia. Well, actually Lace, Olivia, Amber, and Jubilee. Actually why don’t we just break it down, piece by piece?

The girls hate Olivia. Partly because she’s Mrs. Steal Yo Ben, but also for superfluous reasons like the alleged $40,000 she spent on her clothes. Meanwhile, she’s mostly just coo-coo for Cocoa Puffs because she tells the cameras about the “good relationship” she has with Ben. Meanwhile, Chris Harrison saunters in and comments on the “different feeling” in the room. He drops a date card down and Jami reads it (so I guess Jami isn’t going). Anyway, he asks Lauren B to come along, and she is just. so. excited. Anyway, the other girls are particularly crazy this season because they all comment about how Ben looked at each of them when he came to snag Lauren B, but it’s only Lauren B. who is going on the date.

They go to an airport and hop on a single propeller plane and Lauren B is so scared, which is kind of hilarious because she’s a flight attendant.Fortunately, when they took off, the nerves went away because she’s with Ben. And then she tells him that she feels like a little kid when she’s with him, which is a strange thing to say to someone that you want to marry, but OK. He kisses her, and then they kiss a lot. How romantic! They fly over the mansion, and Lace practically considers killing herself.

They get off the plane because they need even more intimate time. And that’s when they stumble upon a beautiful landscape with a singular tree and a field and a hot tub in the middle of literally no where. Lauren B, inspired by surprise electricity and a wonderful day, decides to get her pilot’s license. Also, she decides to make out with Ben in the hot tub. They finish the night having dinner that they’re not going to eat. They talk about things that are vaguely personal, and Lauren B begins to feel herself trusting Ben. It must show because Ben offers her his rose. They finish the date dancing along to Lucy Angel, the world-renowned band that once played on this season of The Bachelor. Lauren B will never forget this date.

Back at the mansion, Caila is realizing that she’s on The Bachelor, and that Ben could potentially fall for another girl, even if she has fallen for him. I’m both surprised and not surprised that this realization is just now happening, but whatever. Good for her. But then a group date card arrives, and it’s for: Amanda, Haley, Jennifer, Shushanna, Leah, Amber, Lauren H, Olivia, Jami, Rachel, Lace, and Emily are going on the next date. Up against JoJo and some other white girl, Jubilee feels DEFEATED. I am on your side, girl.

The next day, the girls go to the Los Angeles Coloseum. Jami is determined to win, mostly because this is the first time that she’s even been included. Ben introduces a couple of women from the US National Team, and they ask if any of the girls have played soccer before. Somehow, literally none of them have. Chris Harrison joins the girls, steals my heart, and then announces that there will be a competition where only half the girls will be going to an afterparty. The twins are placed on opportunity, which is a huge moment for The Bachelor. We usually don’t get to see families torn apart until hometown week!

The girls emerge in their stars and stripes jerseys. They have songs and everything. Anyway, Emily (officially earning the designation Thing 1) is a boss and a half with her goalkeeping skills. She stops almost every shot made on her (save 3 of them, but still). As a former goalkeeper, Emily is a champion. It comes down to a three-three tie and then Rachel (I know, who even remembers Rachel?) dies on the field. She pulls herself back up and Olivia promises to target her because she’s a demon. Stripes end up winning, Emily and Rachel go home alone (or with each other), and Olivia drinks the blood of the losers.

On the group date, Ben and the girls share drinks. Diversity Amber is determined to get some face time, but before she can get the words out of her mouth, Olivia is like, “CAN I STEAL YOU BEN?” and she does, because that’s what one does when they’re there for the right reasons. She is way charming when talking to Ben, and when she comes down to the girls, she stumbles upon the girls talking about her. Jami being great, tells Olivia how they were making fun of her. But patience is the name of the game and Diversity Amber, surprisingly, gets a pretty passionate kiss! The rose gets pulled out, and Diversity Amber gets it! CAN YOU IMAGINE? She’s never been safe in a rose ceremony before, and it’s a big deal, because she’s an all-star.

The next date card arrives, and Jubilee gets it and loses her damn mind. Like, curses and screams out at the top of her lungs. It’s a huge win for Jubilee. The next day, she prepares for this date with a powerful white on white top and bottom. She’s worried about being socially awkward, and here’s my thing: Jubilee might just be the most authentic broad to traipse through this show. She even calls Ben out for being 20 minutes late, but you can tell that she’s trying to be charming, but it falls a little flat. ANYWAY, a helicopter comes to pick Jubilee and Ben up. Mind you, Jubilee is afraid of heights, and she tries to make a joke and say, “Does anyone want to go on my date?” The humor is literally lost on everyone. These other girls need to calm. it. down. Even nice Caila throws her under the bus.

Jubilee starts to warm up to Ben, which is nice because I legitimately was worried she was going to blow the date. They descend on a mini castle, which apparently is actually a health spa. They get fancy snacks and Ben has Jubilee try caviar, and then she spit it up, literally winning my heart. Ben asks what her go-to food is, and Jubilee says “hot dogs.” If you don’t like that answer, you’re effectively banned from mine and Jubilee’s clubhouse. She’s honest and even admits that she was surprised she was invited on the one on one. They play shuffleboard, and she begins to open up, even saying, “I’m not playing, white boy.” They hop into the hot tub and have a really sweet, awkward conversation.

And it’s in this commercial break that I want to go on my first rant of the season. Jubilee, though awkward, is wonderful. And honestly stands no chance because this show is stacked in her favor. If I had my way, Jubilee would be the next bachelorette, because she’s authentic and unique and fun. In Bachelor world, we’ve made one, singular foray into having a main figure of color, and that was Juan Pablo, which was a damn disaster. Give Jubilee her shot, because to be frank (like the hot dogs she loves), she doesn’t have a shot in hell this season: that has nothing to do with her and everything to do with her, at the same time. 

AND WE’RE BACK. As their date continues, Jubilee kills it in a black mini dress for dinner. But it’s hardly her wardrobe that matters. She begins to open up about why she’s so closed off. Ben presses her a little bit about why she never goes back to Haiti and the memories she blocks out. And that’s when Jubilee reveals that her whole family died in Haiti, and that she feels survivor’s guilt. YOU GUYS. For the first time in a long time, I’m crying real tears as I watch this. Ben leans forward and comforts her and tells her how much he admires her. It’s WAY untimely, but he offers her the rose. She accepts and climbs up in his lap. If you’re not crying, you’re a monster.

The next day, the other girls are absurdly rude to Jubilee. Lauren H makes a comment about how it’s insane that Jubilee got a rose, while the rest of us hardly dane to remember her name. Amber hilariously considers herself a contender and complains that Jubilee is still in the mix. But the conversation is interrupted because Ben announces at the cocktail party that he got a call from home that two people he’s very close to died in a plane crash. Thing 1 and Thing 2 take it really hard. Jennifer is interviewed about it, which is funny because who even knew that Jennifer was around? Olivia, thankfully steals Ben away… not to console him, but to literally complain about her cankles. Literally, y’all. She’s talking about her damn cankles.

The girls passively talk about how they were focused on the bitchy parts of their days instead of focusing on Ben, and then they turn to Jubilee and say, “What do you think, Jubes?” Lauren H complains that Jubilee hasn’t opened up to the other girls… as if she’s supposed to be here for that? But she shakes off the haters and pulls Ben away to give Ben a simple neck massage. Cold Virgin Becca says she’s “rubbing his body,” which clearly… she knows nothing about. And somehow, these other girls LOSE it.

Jami steps in and cuts off Jubilee’s massage. It’s fine, because that’s how this show works, but when she makes it back into the mansion with the other girls, they’re all livid that she has a rose and took time away from the other girls. Amber decides to be the spokesperson, which I find to be super strange considering that AMBER HAS A ROSE FOR ONCE IN HER WHOLE LIFE. She goes to Jubilee and says, “Come. Come hither,” as if she has that authority. So when Jubilee won’t join Amber and the other girls, Amber tells the girls they need to go to her. Anyway, Jubilee tries to escape the drama, and it only fuels the other girls’ anger.

Fortunately Caila wasn’t in that group, which is good because I want to like Caila. Ben finds out about Jubilee being ostracized and goes to check on her. Lace waits downstairs and talks about how she’s not going to get a rose because of this now, and for some reason, Amber is still complaining. So she goes in with Ben and Jubilee and confronts her face to face and then tells Ben that the tension comes from the way she… treated Ben. Ben comforts Jubilee as Amber continues and then he interrupts to tell Amber why he likes Jubilee. It’s a wonderful moment where Ben sees how things really are.

Speaking of things… Lace pulls Ben aside. Again. They go outside and leave the other girls inside. Remember about five paragraphs ago when Ben had faced personal loss and should have been treated sensitively? Yeah, that’s not what Lace is doing. Lace is saying that she needs to keep working on herself, because she has a tattoo that says you can’t love anyone else until you love yourself. And if you should do one thing, it’s follow the advice that you’ve had inked on your body. So Lace decides to leave. Ben asks for a hug, because of course he does, and for a moment… Lace seems normal and okay and logical. You have to respect her for that.

Chris Harrison snoops in all shady and pulls Ben away for the rose ceremony. And that leads us to the POWER RANKINGS!!

  1. Lauren B (Lauren Supreme)
  2. Caila
  3. JoJo
  4. Jubilee
  5. Thing 1 (Emily)
  6. Cold Virgin Becca
  7. Momanda
  8. Leah
  9. Former TV Star Olivia
  10. Diversity Amber
  11. Thing 2 (Haley)
  12. Jennifer IDK
  13. Lauren H (Gretchen Weiners)
  14. Rachel

And with that, Jami and that brown-headed girl who thought that a jumper without a belt was ever going to be appropriate. By the way, her name was Shushanna. And then poor Jami… 71% confident she was staying Jami… she has given up all hope on dating and tells everyone why she’s always single. Back in the mansion, Olivia reiterates how Ben and her have a secret language and she’s not worried. But, with half the field gone, let’s talk about these rankings:

I was wrong about Former TV Star Olivia. She’s going home soon guys because she is bonkers 2004. Diversity Amber’s days are numbered, too. If I had to call a final 5, I would say it’s going to be Lauren Supreme, Caila, Jubilee, Becca, and Thing 1. I KNOW, I KNOW. But one of the Things is going to rise up. Just watch.

But tell me what you think! And follow me @justinkirkland4 for live tweeting (when I can). And I thank you for your patience this season–we’ll get these bad boys cranked out as fast as time allows. I hope you’ll always continue on this journey with me.

With love and roses,
Justin

 

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