The Bachelor: Just Don’t Tell Him I’m Crazy

You know everyone has a habit. That habit: it’s the thing you do that you think is cute, but everyone secretly kind of hates it. I suspect mine has something to do with my accent, or the frequency at which I order pizza. For Olivia, it has to do with gaping her mouth open as wide as possible and casting an oral net wide enough to catch an orca. It’s different for everyone. But end of the day, there’s more Bachelor to recap than just Olivia’s mouth, even if it’s not much.

But let’s get started: Leah starts with a cheers because everyone needs a loser to kick things off. I’m sorry–that’s harsh. But like, if you’re here to make friends, you’re not here for Ben, and if you’re not here for Ben, then you’re not here for the right reasons. Anyway, my mind is reeling because we get a Ben Higgins underwear shot: it’s 22% sexy, but 78% awkward, because he has the body of an athletic high schooler, which for the record is way illegal.

Luckily, we’re put back in our lane by a FIRST DATE CARD. Can you even contain yourself? The first winners are: Jackie, LB, Lauren H (Gretchen Weiners), Cold Virgin Becca, Diversity Amber, Mandi, JoJo, Jubilee, Jennifer, and 50 Shades of Lace. Naturally, Lace is going to try and make out with Ben. Becca will likely say she’s here to find love, and then be like, “Nah.” Gretchen Weiners is too pumped to be included, but my pick to dominate is Jubilee. Let’s see how “Bachelor High” works out.

As we saw from Ben’s opening package (not the blue underwear one), Ben was a big deal in high school, which usually says a lot about people. Anyway, the girls are broken into teams for challenges. The first challenge involves chemistry… get it? If you use “love,” “trust” and “communication,” then you make Ben’s volcano erupt. That’s a direct quote. Unfortunately, in round one, Jubilee and Lace lose and Jubilee threatens Lace’s life. The next competition is bobbing for apples and passing it off to your partner with your mouth. It’s a little porn-y, but Ben is chill with it.

Then there’s a challenge where you literally just have to identify Indiana. It takes a lot out of everyone. End face off comes down to a physical challenge between Amber and Mandi, and CRAZY MANDI WHO FLOSSES, AND SHE JUST RUINS AMBER. They ride in a car and Jubilee stands on the side, knowing if that skank Lace hadn’t been her downfall, she would have ruined these other girls. Lace, meanwhile, is fashioning a shiv out of literal physical hate.

At the second half of the group date, the team goes to the roof of a fancy hotel. Becca, full of second chance fire, “steals” Ben away to shoot some hoops. She lets him know he can take his shirt off. They laugh, but clearly think about it. Somehow, Jennifer IDK ends up with him next and gets a kiss. Like, what?? Jessica, clearly being careless with her life, tells Lace that she kissed Ben. I imagine she’ll be expelled because of some kind of witchcraft now.

Back at the mansion of dreams, the girls hear the doorbell. Olivia is certain that it’s a one on one date, specifically for her. She opens her mouth so wide that a bald eagle flies in while she’s waiting for the news. She would be shocked if she didn’t get the date. And then the date goes to Caila. Back on the group date, Lace prowls up and steals Ben so that she can prove that she’s not crazy. She apologizes, but she can’t hide her crazy eyes when Jubilee comes to do the very thing that Lace did to the girl before. Oh, producers, you’re too much.

Jubilee finally gets time with our boy, and she has a tender moment about being in an orphanage in Haiti. And then she gets a pop kiss. And then she gets a real kiss. Jubilee showed up and RUINED Lace’s world. Lace will not let it go, and some of the other girls are like, “We haven’t had any time.” That’s when Lace rolls up and says, “I’m not crazy, I just need one more minute.” She’s confident that on round two, she’s locked that rose in. JoJo quips, “At least you got two times with him.” And she says, “The second.” Who really knows what that means. Anyway, JoJo’s sadness doesn’t last long. She gets her moment, overlooking the skyline and Ben slips her the tongue. It’s just wonderful. She’s never in her life felt this happy before. Can you imagine?

As the night winds down, he pulls out that rose and addresses JoJo and Jubilee individually, but at the end of the day, he gives the rose to JoJo. Jubilee is sad, but Lace is SEETHING. The next day though, it’s time for Ben and Caila’s date. Caila tells us about how Ben and her have been dating for about a year, since he was on TV. But then she gets a big surprise! Kevin Hart and Ice Cube will be coming along for a ~ride along~ on their date. They swear it’s just a coincidence. And it appears that the two will be planning their date.

Ben talks about how blessed he is to be in this funny situation with Kevin and Ice, but it feels so authentic to us, right???. The other girls wonder what the date will end up being, and they hypothesize that it will likely be a red carpet. Meanwhile, somewhere in Los Angeles, Ben and Ice Cube are in a liquor store, buying condoms, etc. Ben and Caila exchange personal information, like favorite colors: hers is yellow, his is blue. They end up in a hot tub [store] and try out the hot tub together. Ice Cube suggests that it might be time for Kevin to go, and everyone laughs like it’s not a staged thing.

We get a moment with Momanda talking to all of her children, as if she’s Maria vonTrapp. Amanda hopes she gets the date card, but it goes to like… everyone: Emily, Sam, Olivia, Shushanna, Haley, and Amanda. But before the next group date, we have to round things out with Caila, who may have been overshadowed by Kevin Hart and Ice Cube, but honestly, I’ve not found her super engaging, which might just mean she’s a decent person. Ben asks her legit questions, and Caila answers with legit, mature responses. It feels like an actual date. Caila even talks about the last guy she dated, and she doesn’t even cry. She’s just a real ass human.

Meanwhile, Olivia is still catching stray pigeons in her mouth. She gets a rose. Run free child, run free. I’m literally crying because I love this too much, and THEN Amos Lee performs “Sweet Pea,” which I haven’t heard since like 2009! I know you ladies know what I’m talking about. They make out, and I’m not angry because I’m dating someone. I finally understand what it means to be happy for another person. Amos Lee and Ben Higgins are literally romantic saviors.

But here we are, at the next group date. The girls walk up to an iPad attached to a robot thing. They go to the LoveLab, and Ben is wearing glasses, which is like… super nerdy to the girls, but also like, super cute! LOLOL. Anyway, Ben brought them here to see if science can tell him who he should be with. They dress the girls in white and then stare at pictures to see if they like diamonds or babies. Then next one takes them on a smelling adventure, where Ben smells them blindfolded to test their pheromones. Samantha smells sour, which might be the meanest thing you could say to someone.

Then there’s a thermal test, where people put their bodies near each other and see if the screen tells you that you are quite literally hot and bothered. Samantha literally got last place, and she’s just… sad about it. Meanwhile, nothing could trump how aggressively the heat from Olivia’s open mouth drew Ben in, and she wins because science. So after the date, she gets one on one time with him, and they make out. Ben comes back and the other girls are like, “OK.” One of the twins (Thing 2, I assume) came and grabbed him. Everyone hates Former TV star, Olivia, but especially Momanda. Still she’s no Lace.

Back on the date, Ben re-smells Samantha. And then Shushanna talks about buying a car in America. It’s way spotty, at best. But the focal point of the night is that rose that Ben can pass off to any of these people. Momanda, super upset that Ben doesn’t know about her kids, has never been so eager to leverage her offspring for gain. Ben seems receptive, but like, honestly, the mom never wins either. Oh, Momanda. Dream big, girl. Ben tips his hat to Momanda in the big group, and then gives credit where it’s due to Former TV star, Olivia, for scientifically being superior. Then she gets the rose and says, “I don’t know what rose ceremonies are, really.” GIRL PLZ CALM DOWN 4 REAL.

We make our way to the cocktail party, and even Cold Virgin Becca throws some innocent shade at the girls who have gotten no time with Ben. As Ben appears, the girls squeal, per the usual. Thing 1 and Thing 2 seem especially enamored. The ladies begin taking him aside one by one. He begins with a blonde, and honestly, I don’t even remember who she is. And then it’s clear–it’s football crotch! I’m fairly confident that’s Leah, but who knows. Olivia is lurking around the corner, and she confirms it, “Leah, can I borrow Ben for a second?” Olivia is becoming Second Place Lace, and I’m loving it. Olivia and Ben make out and the girls HATE it.

Olivia won’t rest on her laurels though, and Lace won’t rest on one glass of wine. Olivia announces to the group, totally deadpanned, “I’ve had my time, so you guys can go ahead.” Lace asks her to step aside with her for a second. I die. Already partly drunk, Lace tells Olivia she wants to get to know her. And then, in her own way, tells Olivia to eff off. Lace gets Ben aside, and Ben finally admits that he thinks Lace is a little crazy. She goes off on a super strange story, but then explains it off by saying that she’s working on herself.

Diversity Amber hasn’t had any time either, which is heartbreaking, but she’s sticking it out like a hoss. Lauren B (Lauren Surpreme) has felt a little discouraged, but she keeps her cool, too, and then Ben gives her a picture of them on the first night and says, “Hey, I’m totally into you still,” and that makes her feel great. Ben seems 100% set on who his top 10 will be, because he’s making a b-line for the girls he loves the most. He even makes berets with Momanda for her daughters. Momanda can’t handle it–maybe Momanda’s craft time with Ben will help soothe the STING OF ABANDONMENT.

But here we are. No more crafts.


  1. Caila
  2. Lauren B (Lauren Supreme)
  3. Former TV Star, Olivia
  4. JoJo
  5. Cold Virgin Becca
  6. Momanda
  7. Jubilee
  8. Leah
  9. Thing 2 (Emily)
  10. Rachel
  11. 50 SHADES OF LACE?!?
  12. Jennifer IDK
  13. Thing 2 (Haley)
  14. Jami
  15. Lauren H (Gretchen Weiners)
  16. Shoe Shiner (Shushanna, but that’s how he pronounces it, so sue me)
  17. Thing 1
  18. Diversity Amber

LB got a rose and decided not to take it because her heart said no, and you know what, I respect the hell out of that. I know this is just a show, but it’s super great for a girl who’s teetering on the edge to be like, “Nah, I’m outtie 3000.” But it’s a super tough break for Sour Samantha. And dental floss Mandi. And that other girl I can’t remember.

But now, it’s just a waiting game because there’s a clear line here: Diversity Amber, one of the Things, Lauren H, Jami, Shoe Shiner, Lece, Rachel… they’re all just Bachelor fodder. The real contenders were called 1-8 basically. Who’s your choice? Do I have the Power Rankings correct? Tell me. Follow @justinkirkland4 and let’s hash it out.

Love you, mean it.

With love and roses,


4 responses to “The Bachelor: Just Don’t Tell Him I’m Crazy

  1. Eagerly waiting for your recap of this week’s Bachelor episode (Jan 18th). Last week’s was fantastic! So funny!

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