Can you even imagine falling in love? Can you?
YOU BETTER BE ABLE TO BECAUSE IT’S BACHELOR TIME. I may be a day late and a bachelor short, but I’m here, standing with a rose, asking you to love me and my miniature horse and my affinity for dental hygiene. Okay, maybe I’m crossing my wires. Anyway, I feel exceptionally blessed to be back, but not nearly as blessed as Ben H. Let’s talk about the [right] reason that we showed up tonight.
Ben H, who lives in Denver, is apparently from the wholesome town of Warsaw, Indiana. He talks about how he goes back to reflect on his youth, which is ironic, because he’s literally a child. He goes back to his high school and gets to be grand marshal of the homecoming parade, which is nice. Anyway, he falls back on that whole premise that he’s unloveable, which makes him endearing. You think he’s perfect don’t you? I can see it in your eyes as you read this.
Ben H sits down with his parents to discuss what it means to be in love. I can’t hear their conversation because the echoes of perfection are bouncing off their lake house and the lake tide and the perfect haircuts. But what I do notice is that Ben’s mom cries. And then his dad cries. And then he cries, and soon, we’re all crying. If I owned waterfront property with that square footage, I’d cry too.
Ben, being a child, needs direction on how to fall in love, so he calls in Sean and that older guy and Chris Soules. Some of them did a good job, I guess! He asks for advice, and Sean’s like, “Don’t kiss everyone!” and they laugh, because jokes are funny. The guys leave because they’ve had their time to shine, and that’s when we get a quick shirtless shot as Ben H is getting dressed, but the focus quickly shifts to the ladies, NAY, Chris Harrison.
Chris Harrison, aka the love of my life, is standing outside at the rose garden just absolutely exhausted by this process, but he’s paid well, so he always comes home. He introduces us to the girls, and though we’ve already discussed most of them, I’ll give you some highlights. Caila broke up with her boyfriend after getting butterflies when Ben H came on Kaitlyn’s season. Seems reasonable. Mandi, from Portland, is strange as hell. She talks about how she’d never date a guy with gingivitis. Thing 1 and Thing 2 are twins. They seem like fun girls, and not just in the Budweiser commercial way. Amanda is an esthetician, which is not a job. She’s also a mom, which is a job.
Tiara is a chicken enthusiast, which is not a job. She’s chicken mom to Sheila, which again, is a job. Samantha is a lawyer. Her dad died of ALS, which is that thing all your friends dumped ice on their heads for but didn’t donate any money toward. We pivot back to Chris Harrison, and i imagine pivoting into his arms. If you ever read this Chris, know that you were always my alpha rose, my omega rose, and every rose in between.
As the first limo arrives, Ben H looks on nervously. The first out is Lauren B.who gives him a pair of wings because she’s a flight attendant. Then Caila shows up and literally jumps into his arms to let him know that they’re getting married. Jennifer shows up, but I’ve already forgotten. Jami is our first minority contestant, which we know means nothing good on this show, but I would LOVE to see her be Bachelorette. Samantha shows up and announces she passed the bar exam, eliminating her immediately, as she stands the chance to have a real career. Jubilee shows up and slays all your faves.
Lace shows up, makes Ben close his eyes, and kisses him. So she’s that girl. Lauren R looks sort of defeated from get-go. Shushanna speaks no English. Leah literally bends over and hikes him a football. JoJo shows up with a unicorn mask on. Can you imagine the producer that was like, “I GOT THIS IDEA.” Lauren H is another Lauren, tbh. Laura, aka RED VELVET, is going home super fast because she’s a ginger. Mandi wore a giant flower hat.
BTW, we’ve moseyed inside for a minute and Lace already hates everyone.
Back outside, Thing 1 and Thing 2 get out of the limo and speak in unison. Ben H asks for a hug because ~twins.~ I wonder how long it will take for them not to be strictly sexual creatures. Everyone is immediately disgusted by the twins because how can you compete with twins? Maegan attempts to by waltzing up with her mini pony. Similarly, Breanne comes up with a basket of bread. She doesn’t eat gluten, so they destroy bread. It’s practically taking the lord’s name in vain. Isabel wears a onesie. Olivia showed up and says hi approx. 45 times. Their compatibility is palpable. Or maybe she’s just decently normal, IDK. I believe in this.
Anyway, Ben H calls his dad because of course he does. He’s pretty jazzed about these girls hanging out inside, comparing him to a god and talking about how they’ve stalked him before. When he walks in, the girls scream, evidently forgetting that he was outside. As Ben starts to give his speech, Weird Mandi rolls out and “steals” him. She literally inspects his teeth… it’s way intense. Olivia tells Ben H that she quit her job to come here.
But as all those 5’s inside are doing amateur hour, a couple of 10’s walk in: that’s right. It’s Becca and Amber. Chris Harrison, being wonderful, asks them why they even want to be here. I die. I mean, Becca’s sister called her cold and Diversity Amber is like… Diversity Amber. Becca walks in on Lauren (someone’s) conversation with Ben, and he’s just stunned. Becca has gotta go, y’all.
Meanwhile, Lace has somehow become the white wine drunk girl this premiere, which is just everything I was hoping for. She relays back to everyone that they’re getting touchy. And then Diversity Amber joins, but Lace isn’t concerned, because even she understands the latent racism in this series. Speaking of the latent racism, Jubilee is having a great convo with Ben H, when Lace’s more compelling storyline takes precedent. She asks for a better kiss, and Ben H mansplain’s his way out of it. Mandi takes him the rest of the way and pulls him out.
Lace finds solace in talking to Laura/Red Velvet/Literally Emma Stone. Literally Emma Stone does her best to help, but Lace is just TURNT. Even Thing 1 and Thing 2 are like, “GIRL NEEDS TO TONE IT DOWN.” Ben H takes her aside to apologize, and then Lace refills her glass of white wine and gloats, as if being babysitted on night one is a compliment. Chris Harrison, not entertained enough by the dramz, brings in the first impression rose and leaves, being the shady bitch he is.
And that brings me to an important philosophical moment: what if we all lived each day like there was a first impression rose at stake? Imagine that world for a minute.
Ok, now stop, because it’s time to get back to these girls clawing each other in the face for this first impression rose. Everyone except for Weird Mandi, because she is the first impression rose. Lauren B (Lauren Supreme) get along really well. Jessica (Jennifer? IDK) takes Ben H aside. I forget again. Ben H vows to remember though. Ben H waltzes in and grabs that first impression rose and gives it to OLIVIA. I TOLD U GUYS. Let that be a lesson, girls: if you think a guy is hot enough and you quit your job, you can get a flower that historically has no precedent as to whether or not you’ll finish your journey as a married or unmarried unemployed woman.
Doesn’t matter to Lace. She just keeps downing the chardonnay. But Chris Harrison, worried for her B.A.C. pulls the plug and announces that it’s time for the rose ceremony. Lace is angry again. Her eyes are bloodshot at this point. Caila calls her 50 Shades of Crazy, and I’m not one to look a gift horse in the mouth/Lace in the eye, so we’ll call it how we see it: Lace is now simply, 50 Lace of Crazy. BUT LET’S GET TO THIS SEASON’S FIRST RANKINGS!!!
1. Former TV Star Olivia
2. Lauren B (Lauren Supreme)
3. Cold Virgin Becca
7.Samantha (who I just realized looks vaguely like Haley James Scott from OTH!!)
13.Thing 1 (Haley)
14. Thing 2 (Emily)
15. Diversity Amber
16. Jennifer IDK
17. Jackie (I don’t even remember this)
18. Lauren H (Gretchen Weiners)
19. Weird Mandi
20. 50 Lace of Crazy
WOW GUYS. Literally Emma Stone, Maegan and her horse, Sheila the Chicken, and those other girls are suddenly just a thing of the past. Isn’t that like, WAY SAD? Gingers, man. And it appears there actually was a Jessica. She was about as memorable as Jennifer. Actually, less so, because Jennifer stayed. Mind you, WE GOT RID OF LITERALLY EMMA STONE BUT LACE CAN’T JUST TAKE A ROSE AND GO. She talks with Ben, who is really busy hitting puberty, and tells him that she didn’t get enough eye contact. It’s 100% out of control.
So tell me what you think. Who’s your choice? And are you as bummed as I am that Literally Emma Stone/Red Velvet/Laura is gone? And are you on the Olivia train like me or are you more of a Lauren Supreme fan? And there’s no way that Becca or Amber is pulling this off, right? RIGHT? Let me know and follow me @JustinKirkland4 for all the fun live tweeting.
I’ve missed you. I mean it. I will always make eye contact with you.
With love and roses,