The Bachelor Preview: Four Too Many Laurens

It’s time. Time for hope again. Cover me in rose petals and call me #blessed because a new season of The Bachelor is on the horizon and this. cast. looks. wonderful.

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Amanda, 25

Amanda is my age and the most outrageous thing she’s done is hike 14 miles in a thunderstorm. And then she casually drops that she has two kids, so I’m going to chime in and say that the most outrageous thing that Amanda has done is averaged one child for every 12-13 years she’s been alive.

Amber, 30

Amber’s secret superpower is acting like she hasn’t been on The Bachelor before. Girl, you’re not going to blend in because you know all these women have seen you before. You deserve better, Amber.

Becca, 26

Fresh out of Tinder swipes, Becca is also back for a second season. Ain’t you tired, Miss Becca? If you remember, she made it all the way to the final 2 in Chris’ season, despite her sister saying that she’s “cold,” which is simply wonderful. I wish her the best on this installment of The Bachelor: Best in Show.

Breanne, 30

Breanne simply looks like the kind of woman who I’d mock The Bachelor with, which makes sense because after reading her answers, her favorite book is Why Men Love Bitches. She’s wonderful and will be eliminated early.

Caila, 24

Caila is the kind of girl who spells her name “Caila.” She meets guys at Starbucks, loves fall, and punctuates answers to questions with an emoticon. She wants 3 kids to fill a 5-seater vehicle, which eliminates most trucks and 2-door vehicles from her future driveway.

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Emily/Haley, 22

I will not entertain writing anything about the twins because I believe they’re being played by the same person, probably Emily, as Lindsay Lohan did on The Parent Trap. Haley is simply Emily with a surprised expression.

Izzy, 24

Izzy is 100% the girl who deserved way more than she got this season. She’s well-spoken, can complete a sentence, and has a real job that’s not “twin” or “chicken enthusiast.” Ironically, The Parent Trap is one of her favorite movies. She feels like home. She’s going to get her heart broken and likely be The Bachelorette next time.

Jackie, 23

Jackie is a 23 year old on a show that pushes its victors to get married, and that feels like a pretty comprehensive picture of Jackie. She considers her Bible one of her most valuable items, so that could be a top 4 contender.

Jami, 23

Jami is also 23, but for some reason I’m ok with it because Jami is the contestant you don’t deserve. She’s from Canada, so I worry she may be too similar to Kaitlyn, but I could also see her being the next Bachelorette. It’s a shame that reality TV and network television is inherently racist, because otherwise, she’d be a great addition. Then again, Viola Davis won an Emmy, so we can dream.

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Jennifer, 25

Jennifer is a small business owner, which undoubtedly means that when she remembers that rent is on the precipice, she makes artisanal soaps. The one that smells like chocolate is her favorite, but she encourages you to find the one that speaks most to you, ya know? She also likes dolphins because they have sex for pleasure.

Jessica, 23

Thinks Lil Wayne is the greatest rapper alive. Ok.

JoJo, 24

If she could choose to be a fruit or vegetable, she would choose tomato so she could be considered both. Methinks that like many of us, JoJo probably took that same philosophy in college and is like, not a lesbian but definitely appreciates how beautiful women are, loll. She’d also order pizza and wine if she could have dinner with Jesus Christ.

Jubilee, 24

Literally the most festive name in the history of the franchise. She’s also served for nearly 5 years on active duty, so you best bow down. I would love to see Jubilee make it for the long haul. However, she does talk about having a menage a trois with her bed, her blanket, and her pillow, which is a menage a quat, but who’s counting?

Lace, 25

I do not mean to come here and shade just for shading purposes, but Lace (1) forgot to finish her name, (2) tells a story about how a guy came to her apartment, but she used the bathroom before hand, and then he went in there and saw her poop. Like her literal poop. Imagine if Lace(y) had a way to make the poop go away. IMAGINE HOW MUCH MONEY YOU’D MAKE OFF AN INVENTION LIKE THAT.

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Laura, 24

She is a redhead and will be promptly treated as such and dismissed to go home, which is unfortunate because she seems intelligent. Also, her guilty pleasure is eating an entire cheesecake. Also dying of diabetes.

Lauren “LB,” 23

She hates when her date doesn’t pick up the bill and would also like to be a dolphin. You don’t care.

Lauren B, 25

Lauren B is everything you wish LB could be, but can’t. She says charming things, but still, she’s not everything that Lauren R is, even though she’s definitely better than Lauren H. If for any reason Lauren R dies, Lauren B is the Lauren you would want to cheer for.

Lauren H, 25

Lauren H is terrified of turning 30 and not being married. From her answers, she’s the quintessential Bachelor fan who is watching the show for the ~wrong reasons.~ She’s always believed that the show was shot with one camera and that you get way more alone time with the Bachelor than you do. She’ll get drunk. Just wait.

Lauren R, 26

Lauren R is the chillest of the Laurens. She’d likely bring you soup when you’re sick, but totally bust your chops for being such a pansy. She’s smart and introspective and respects a man who once painted her a landscape because it took him 80 hours to complete. Of the four Laurens, she’s most likely to be the D.D. because she’s too good for tequila shots, and that’s not a dig at her character.

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Leah, 25

Leah is 5’5 and 3/4 and strikes me as the kind of person who would describe herself as 5’5 and 3/4. She also twerked on the wall in a dress during her Bachelor interview, so that gives us some valuable insight into what that process is like.

Maegan, 30

Maegan has been a fighter since the beginning of her life, when he family added an unnecessary vowel to her name. She also prescribes to describing her height in quarters, like a proud 8th grader, or a guy who likes to compensate for his height but doesn’t have a strong personality. To get a guy’s attention, she likes to grab his ass. I feel like she might call one of the other girls the gross name for a vagina that is sometimes used for a cat. I apologize on her behalf.

Mandi, 28

Mandi is a dentist who stares directly into the camera without showing her teeth. She’s confident because of both of those things. She wouldn’t be caught dead defining her height in corners. She’ll be a lot like Sharleen, and you’ll love it because we live in that Feminist Buzzfeed World where a woman don’t NEED NO MAN.

Olivia, 23

Olivia is a news anchor and she will win this season. Look at those toned arms! I do wish that she had mentioned Jesus so that I could lock this in a little more tightly, but girlfriend loves French fries and Katniss Everdeen, so we’ll give her a pass. I don’t even know her, but I know she deserves this.

Rachel, 23

I have mad respect for Rachel because she is the first lady in recent history that I can remember saying, “I’m unemployed.” No chicken enthusiast. No lame job title. Just, “Hey. I ain’t doing shit right now. U MAD?” Unfortunately, she listed her favorite animal as “Cookie Monster” and “cute boys!” make her nervous, so Rachel might actually just be 9 years old. IDK.

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Samantha, 26

You will want to root for Samantha. She’s a smart girl. She graduated top 20% of her law class, and she cares about her parent’s approval, which is code for: just wait until hometown visits.*

*Those have to come back this year, right? Like, guys. Come on.

Shushanna, 27

Can you imagine being named Shushanna? Can you imagine being too chatty and someone having to say “Shush Shushanna!” That sounds more like a Jewish holiday than a command. Anyway, Shushanna seems perfectly presentable. She’s a mathematician who stopped believing in love, but apparently believes in it again. That will be a nice story arc.

Tiara, 26

And then there was the chicken enthusiast. I’m still not entirely sure what “chicken enthusiast” means, but like, she is one. She doesn’t seem to be the brightest bulb in the pack, but she was bitten in the face by a pit bull and still managed to get chosen by producers to participate on the show, so you have to respect her for that. Her role model, all jokes aside, is her old boss who passed away of ALS, which is very endearing.

SO WHO IS YOUR PICK? I’m pushing hard for an Olivia, Jami, Caila final three. I hate myself for that because I always say I don’t care, but I do. I also think that Maegan is going to act exactly like someone who spells her name Maegan.

Tell me your thoughts and let’s buckle in babies because we have another season on the horizon. I care about you. I’ve missed you. I hope you come back for a journey with me this season, like Amber or Becca would. But most of all, I hope you do it for the ~right reasons.~

With love and roses,
Justin

 

 

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