The Bachelorette Finale: The World’s Biggest Joke

Oooh child. Looks like we’ve made it. The journey is all but over, and that girl that once asked a naive farmer to plow her field is finally going to find the plow of her dreams. That’s right–we’ve watched tattoo arms grow from a short, Canadian spitfire to a princess who thinks it’s cool to wear a nude dress on finale night. Chris Harrison appears to throw some truth bombs about the real drama and the controversial choices that has been fueled by NATIONWIDE SPECULATION. We pick up after family week. We’re STILL in Utah, and we get a nice refresher that these guys LITerally hate each other. Out of the GATE, we’re thrown a huge shocker. Katilyn’s sister thinks that her chunky, layered highlights are still in style. It’s bold, y’all.

CK9c72_W8AE-AC7And then Nick V. shows up, unassuming and unnervous. And that’s when Kaitlyn’s like, “I told them that your entry was unconventional. Oh, and that we had sex. LOL.” And that’s officially when Nick V. started being nervous. Hilariously, he tells Kaitlyn’s family that he wasn’t ever really in love with Andi–makes sense, since he called her out on TV for sleeping with him and then subsequently dropping him. Mama Leslie is not buying it, and she cuts the shit and pretty much says, “I didn’t like him.” Shade the world, Leslie. Mama Leslie seemed to be over Nick V’s bullshit, but surprisingly, and probably because of some ABC contract she signed, Nick V. wins her over. Next up is dad. But then he’s just like, “Yeah, marry the hell out of her.” Easy crowd, I guess. Nick V. leaves, but he vows to come back. Or else.

The next day, Shawn B rolls up with flowers, some pasta sauce, a bag of treats, a plane, a train, and an automobile. Shawn B throws some really good lines out there and the family is loving it, especially Haley and her highlights. Then Mama Leslie takes him aside to talk about how Kaitlyn slept with Nick V, because literally no one can let this go. Her mom throws out the facts and Shawn B is like, “It’s chill because it happened and it’s over and I’ll eventually kill him. And I trust her.” It’s a nice sentiment. Then he meets with dad, and it’s like… not even a contest. He just sits down and throws some seriousness and says, “I’m ready to marry your daughter.” And they’re like, “Sure, yeah, ok.”

We pan to the audience for a nice mid-show Q&A with Chris Harrison. I lose focus because there’s this little nugget on the right who has a HARD EYE LOCK on Chris Harrison’s butt-butt, and I GET IT. I do!! But as that comes to an end, Kaitlyn and Nick go on their traditional boat date. Imagine having a date on a boat, with pillows and ropes. How nice would that be? Anyway, they make out for a while and Nick V. is just overtaken by this connection. Kaitlyn is desperately looking for clarity. Unfortunately, Nick V is not doing her any favors because he chooses to wear a short-sleeved button up. How can a woman find clarity after that? IDK. IDK.

CK9mn-lWIAAwwicSurprisingly, I find myself liking Nick V more and more as the finale progresses. Part of me thinks it’s his beard. And then part of me wonders if he’s genuinely just a good guy who has been turned into a skeevy, creeper version of a man by the mainstream media and the liberal agenda. It happened to Donald Trump, and it can happen to YOU. But the more they talk, the more it seems they’re focusing on the past and him inserting himself into this season and less about the future. It makes me worried for our boy, Nick. Anyway, Nick gets Kaitlyn a present: it’s a double-sided frame. On one side, it’s a picture of Kaitlyn and him, and on the other side, a “Bachelorette version” of a poem, which is not a poem at all. But Kaitlyn is way into it. They kiss on the bed, but I’m still super caught up because the handwriting on that gift was suspect, at best.

The next day, Kaitlyn stared across a golf course in Malibu, contemplating what it means to be ~in love.~ Shawn B approaches in a curious outfit. It’s like… a long-sleeve long john top with some blue chubbies on the bottom. It’s not bad… just… curious. Shawn B tells her that he wants to love her forever, and then Kaitlyn literally asks him if he’s wearing sunscreen. It seems passive, but as someone who got a serious sunburn this weekend, that’s really a caring thing to say. She’s being SUPER awkward with him, as if she’d rather being taking a nap nap than talking with Shawn B.

CK9plRFWUAEgEb4Shawn B goes and changes into his standard evening wear: a baseball shirt and jeans. I completely forgot that they were at a winery–that should be the happiest place on earth. But Shawn B is super sad and Kaitlyn is super awkward, and she keeps bringing up Nick. It feels like Shawn B is begging Kaitlyn to choose him. It’s super awkward. But the night goes way better than the day did, and Shawn B pulls out a memory jar to give to Kaitlyn, and it’s full of all the dates they’ve ever gone on… and that would be sweet, if those dates were spaced out over the course of more than 6 weeks, ya know?

Then this happened:

I love when the studio audience is *in shock.* Do you guys think that they threaten the audience’s life and say, “If any of you make a f***ing peep, we’ll lock the doors and burn this place down?” Gosh, I hope so.

Anyway, we get to my favorite part of every finale: the ~expressively looking out the window~ montage. Not only does that signify a lot of interpersonal thought, but it also signals the MOST important guest star of the season: Neil Lane. I swear, this man has an amazing quid pro quo deal going on with this show, and he is TIMELESS. He visits Shawn B first, and then Shawn’s like, “After today, Nick V will be a nothing to anyone.” And then Nick V is like, “I just really hope that Neil Lane shows up,” because if you remember, last time he made it to this point, Andi was like, “UM, GO HOME NICK V.” Then we get into the finale clothes montage: Shawn B goes with classic black suit, and Nick V goes for non-traditional blue and brown. I’m into it.

First out of the car is… Nick V.

Traditionally, the first car rider has signified that you’re going to lose. It’s almost fated to be that way–it’s the natural progression of things… Darwinism, if you will. I’m sitting on my couch, screaming “FIRST IS WORST. FIRST IS WORST,” but I also just drank a mini bottle of Cab Sav, so take that how you will. Anyway, Nick V talks about how in love he is with Kaitlyn. He starts crying, and I honestly kind of want to start crying. This is when I get really sad that we can’t all be polygamous. He pulls out the ring, and she’s just like… BAM. NOT TODAY. She shut him down, and he says, “No? Okay.” Solid conceit, baby boy. He tried to hash it out, but she goes typical Kaitlyn and gets defensive. I don’t know why she does that… because at the end of the day, she wins. Just deal with it, K. And then he’s like, “You took things from me.” How many virginities do you have, Nicholas? JEEZ. Anyway, he hops in the saddest limousine ever, and it’s like Groundhog Day for this guy.

CK919iJWsAA__HcFortunately, Shawn B is up next. As stated before, he’s in a classic get up, and he looks more confident than ever. Rightfully so, because he’s about to propose to our girl. He walks onto the patio, excessively adorned with decorative vases. It’s perfect. Shawn B gives a long speech about her eyes and her lips. He tells her how much he’s fallen in love with her and how she’s his best friend, partner in crime, and love of his life. She’s super jazzed. She explains that he’s been ~the one~ since the beginning, and he’s digging it, too. She tried to set him up for a dismissal, but it’s clear that she’s not sending him home. He almost cries. She kind of cries. He proposes with that Neil Lane boulder, and she says yes. It’s a miracle! They sashay to the limousine, and it’s over. It’s all over.

Le sigh. Is it weird that I feel way worse for Nick V than I thought I would? And I surprisingly don’t feel too much about the engagement. It felt like more of a knee jerk thing, but then again, I had a break up in the middle of this season, so maybe I’m just bitter. I wish nothing but the best for these little muffins, but most of all, I hope that Nick V has decided that maybe it’s time to not sleep with anyone else on TV. I pray for him every night, and I love him more than I did to start. Tell me what you think! Did you love this season? How excited are you for the next round? Whenever and wherever it is, I’ll be there. I love you all… enough to propose even.

And for the road…

With love and roses,
Justin

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One response to “The Bachelorette Finale: The World’s Biggest Joke

  1. Okay so you liked my blog and I saw you had one and decided to check it out. I expected tales from your recent adventures but this is like 10x better (nothing against your travels) mainly because I watched the season and got to relive the finale months later. I felt bad for Nick too! Maybe because he has the same name as my own boyfriend or just because I hate seeing people hurt/embarrassed. I am so so so excited for Ben to be the next bachelor and I hope you plan on narrating it because I will most definitely be reading!
    Ps. Thanks for following my blog & I hope Iceland was amazing and you’re hilarious. K bye.

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