The Bachelorette: The Men Tell Kaitlyn How Much They Hate Nick V.

I know you don’t like this week. It’s the week you think you can skip. If we were married, this would be your version of taking out the garbage. But I love Men Tell All Week on The Bachelorette. I’m not even kidding you–I LOVE it. It’s the week when the men get together and you really get to see the camaraderie and the distaste among the men, because as we know, The Bachelorette is only meant for like… three guys to really fall in love. And for everyone else, it’s a sweet opportunity to make some new bros to ball with. But at the core, Men Tell All week brings drama. DRAMA. And more dramz. MEN TELL ALL!!!1!

Bachelorette2Chris Harrison appears first to slay all your faves. I’m just as excited as you are. He explains that Kaitlyn is the most controversial bachelorette, but maybe also the most serious. Anyway, we welcome all the guys back including, but not limited to Mr. Kupah, Deep Ian, Cory, Gay Face Corey, #RightReasonsJJ, Invisible Tanner, Kentucky Joe, Cupcake Chris, and Mercedes Ben Z. We get a little overview of Bachelor in Paradise 2, which is fun, and then we get an overview of this season, which is legit exhausting. We learn some new and old stuff–things like that Ryan M. threatened to rape JJ and how Ian was punished for being smart/needed sex. ANYWAY, Tanner came out of the effing woodwork and called Ian out, real hard. AND THEN he defended fart jokes and used the word “butthurt,” which is, personally, one of my favorite words. And then Ian takes off his blazer, gets down on a knee, and apologizes to everyone. I don’t know why he’s on his knees, but people seem to enjoy it. Well. Everyone but Chris Harrison. Slay, bb. SLAY.

Bachelorette4Back from commercial, we’re played in with some fun music, but it shifts quickly. We move to Clint, who has a beard now. HOW MYSTERIOUS IS THAT? Gay Face Corey, points out that there was a “gay thing” with JJ. And then Cupcake Chris starts throwing some shade at Clint and JJ, too. Anyway, #RightReasonsJJ and Clint explain their friendship by telling everyone that they’re intellectually interested in each other, but like… that gay thing is so 2014, so they move on to Nick V and HOW MUCH THEY HATE HIM. Even Mr. Kupah voices his opinion about it, which makes no sense.

JJ and His Version of the Right Reasons

CKZhD2wXAAA8iwoFirst up in the official hot seat is JJ, which is hilarious. #RightReasonsJJ made some waves in the house by being adorable, becoming too close to Clint, throwing Clint under the bus, smacking himself in the face, and admitting yo cheating on his wife. It was heavy sometimes. Imagine smacking the shit out of yourself. Yeah, I can’t either. Chris Harrison, pitying the ground JJ treads, tries to throw him a bone by explaining that Kaitlyn really liked him, but it seems like Clint’s relationship with Kaitlyn ruined things. Kentucky Joe, you, and me can’t stop laughing. Being a good ass person, Jared talks about how JJ is like a fine wine. And then Gay Face Corey talks again–do you guys even remember him being on the show? Anyway, we transition to Bachelor in Paradise 2 again. I sense a recurring theme. I miss Clint and JJ together. I think they miss it, too.

Ben Z’s Tears Dry On Their Own

Bachelorette5For some reason, Ben Z gets called up. It’s strange because Ben Z was like… normal and not controversial. His big thing was talking about how his mom died. I’m not throwing shade at that at all–it’s just how it played out, you know? It’s nice to have these reviews though, because we’re reminded that Ben Z hasn’t cried in 11 years. ELEVEN YEARS. I cried, like, eleven minutes ago!! I don’t know how someone turns their face faucet off like that, but I swear, it can’t be healthy. And that’s when Chris Harrison and I sync up perfectly and he asks Ben Z if he’s cried yet, and Ben Z is like, “Nah. I’ve gotten close, but no tears,” and then Chris Harrison is all, “Crying is healthy. I’m crying inside right now.” CHRIS HARRISON, GO HOME. I can’t even with you.

Why Jared’s Life is Ruined

CKZW_3oWIAAG_-HLeading up to this week, we hear Chris Harrison say, “Why can’t Jared move on with his life?” It was a little intense because like, Jared was sad, but like… he held his own. Bb was the star of the season. Yeah, his features were a little too angular for our taste, but like, he was so much fun! He’s who you take home to mom! He’s who you get married to the second time. Unlike Ben Z, Jared cried back stage during the commercial break. Chris Harrison, looking for a good sound bite, continues pushing Jared for answers about what happened with Kaitlyn. However, he refuses to cry. Then he mentions the seminal classic and #Bachelorette hit “Linger” by The Cranberries, and it gets so personal. When he’s at his weakest, Chris Harrison throws shade at his spotty beard. CAN WE GET SOME ADDITIONAL LIGHTING ON THE STAGE BECAUSE ALL THIS SHADE BEING THROWN RIGHT NOW MAKES IT HARD TO SEE.

The Saga of Grown Up Seth Cohen

It took me nearly four-fifths of the season to realize that Ben H is Seth Cohen as an adult, on steroids. As he approaches the stage, the women just cat call, and Chris Harrison compares it to a construction site, but in reverse. And then he says that Ben H isn’t really even that attractive. DAMN GIRL, ARE U MAD TONIGHT? Anyway, we’re treated to some Ben H sound bites, and he talks about being afraid that he won’t be loved in return, and it’s surprising, because like… if you can’t love a man as hot as him who knows how to pull off an oversized white sweater with an exaggerated shawl collar, then like… WHO CAN YOU LOVE? I get those feels though. I think that’s something all people who aren’t immediately married after college feels. So there was this moment apparently when Kaitlyn snuck down to see Shawn B and Ben H in their room, and they hung out and laughed and laughed, but the next morning after Ben H took a shower, he knew he was super left out… he knew he was UNLOVEABLE.

ANYWAY, then there’s Kaitlyn…

A Discussion on Gender with Kaitlyn Bristowe

Bachelorette1Unsurprisingly, people have sent sexist, awful comments to Kaitlyn about sleeping with people. And there’s been death threats, which is kind of bonkers. Like… it’s too much. Even Ben Z is like, “Holy crap.” Then Chris Harrison reads the tweets, and JESUS CHRIST, AMERICA. Y’ALL ARE AWFUL. Someone told her to close her legs and called her a bitch and said they can’t wait to see her cry. YOU GUYS.

I’m going to take an aside from the normal banter, because this is important. I love watching with you guys. I love everyone who reads–this is a blast. But when you take a show like this so seriously that you attack a person online and call them a slut and a whore and a bitch, you really, really need to reevaluate your life. This is a television show, and that’s a human, just like you. You do not reserve the right to spew hate at anyone. Be sassy. Have fun. But don’t hurt people. There’s no time for it. There’s no call.

And now we shift over to the guys confronting Kaitlyn. Jared talks to Kaitlyn a bit, but I don’t really listen. And then Ben H says some stuff to Kaitlyn, and I don’t hear it. But then Chris Harrison repeats it, because apparently Kaitlyn didn’t hear it either. And that’s when we realize that he asked her why she told Shawn B that she slept with Nick V. Le sigh. She talks about Nick V. a little bit, and then Jonathan talks about how he was hurt by it, and then Kaitlyn says, “I respect you, but did you not vote for Britt?” #LOL Then we have Corey chime in again, because we haven’t heard from him in like… six minutes.

Bachelorette3And then Kaitlyn gets a chance to say her peace. She asks Ryan M. if he’s “horned up.” He apologizes to Kaitlyn for throwing the rose, but we have no confirmation on whether he’s sorry for suggesting that he rape JJ. Then Kaitlyn drops a shit ton on gay puns toward JJ and Clint, because if this show knows how to do anything, it’s to highlight the superiority of heterosexual people. And then Ian apologizes again. And then we get a blooper reel. Fortunately, we get to finally tackle the big issues, which is Kaitlyn’s fear of birds, even though she has birds tattooed on the back of her arms. It makes about as much sense as the rest of this show does. And that’s pretty much it for #MenTellAll. On the up and up, besides that really, really painful segment with the awful tweets, it’s uneventful.

We get a sneak peak of next week. There’s groping and boats and groping on boats. We continue on with that motif of Nick V. hating Shawn B and Shawn B hating Nick V. Her dress next week looks so great and intricate, and tbh, I’m pretty excited. I can’t wait to see the guys stand in a window and contemplate life and this process and their love of Kaitlyn. I can’t wait to watch Kaitlyn stare at the dress she’s going to wear while her own voice over plays. I can’t wait for any of it, and I wouldn’t do it with anyone other than you. We’ve almost made it another season together, and I love you more today than when I gave you that first impression rose. Mean it.

With love and roses,
Justin

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One response to “The Bachelorette: The Men Tell Kaitlyn How Much They Hate Nick V.

  1. I love your little aside about Kaitlyn’s cyberbullies. I was audibly gasping at how many of those words didn’t get bleeped out by ABC. As Ben Z said, Holy crap.

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