The Bachelorette: Swinging Wood on Hole 9

So, as we start this week, I came across the best way to summarize this final three: the easiest game of f**k, marry, kill ever. That’s right–I think we’re all in agreement, that this installment of The Bachelorette has given us one very bangable Ryan Gosling lookalike, one guy that would be amazing to take home to mom, and… um… Nick V. Regardless, he made it here with the other two, over the likes of Nice-Guy-Finished-Fifth-Jared and my backwoods husband, Kentcuky Joe. Gone but not forgotten bb. Gone but not forgotten. if you remember, hometown and overnight dates have been switched, because after 475 installments, production has finally realized that nookie often comes before family.

Courtesy of ABC

Courtesy of ABC

Fortunately, we pick up in Enniskillen, which is apparently a castle in Ireland. What was happening, you say? Well. Ryan Gosling had busted up in Nick V’s room to tell him that he doesn’t like him or respect him and that he vaguely resembles Jimmy Neutron. Ok, I made the last part up. ANYWAY, Nick V keeps bringing up this country singer that Shawn B slept with, and I want answers, tbh. Maybe it was Kenny Chesney? Maybe Kelly Clarkson, in that three month period that she was a country music artist? IDK, IDK. There’s not much time to mull because Ben H and Kaitlyn take a date trip on some horses to visit some donkeys with some “sick haircuts.” Then the donkeys chase them down, because they’re finding love in a hopeless place. The donkeys lead them to a castle, and Ben H and Kaitlyn are like, “Damn. This would be a great picnic spot.” AND SO IT WAS: they nestled down for a picnic so that Ben H can tell Kaitlyn that he’s falling in love with her. Plot twist: They get to stay in the castle. I know… so #blessed.

Courtesy of ABC

Courtesy of ABC

Wearing an exaggerated cream-colored cable knit sweater, Ben H shares a couch with Kaitlyn as she weighs the pros of being Ben H’s wife. He’s younger, but ultimately, he would give her a good life. A happy life. A comfortable life. Comfortable. I think we all know what that word means, right? My friend Taylor once said in a song, “He’s charming and endearing and I’m comfortable,” but that line came before she totally dismissed that guy because apparently some women want a man who’s literally going to punch another man’s lights out? Too bad there’s not any guys left that fit that bill. Anyway, she totally offers him the overnight suite. He gives her a nice little speech and ends it with, “Best sleepover ever!” It’s adorable, but I don’t see a ouija board anywhere, so I sincerely doubt this will be the best sleepover ever…

Courtesy of ABC

Courtesy of ABC

The next day, Kaitlyn goes to get Shawn B for his supposed overnight date, and when the door opens, Shawn B is SO jazzed to see Kaitlyn. She brings him golfing clothes, and it’s cute, I suppose. Anyway, they go and play golf–they make a bet: if Kaitlyn wins, she gets whatever she asks for. If Shawn B wins, she gets whatever she asks for. It appears that Shawn B throws the competition, and it looks like a honest moment, because his hair got messed up, and he didn’t even try and fix it! Anyway. She wins because of course she does. And then she tells Shawn B that he has to streak across the golf course. He does, and though we see nothing more than what I believe was a gratuitously large black box, we get everything else. It’s… enough.

Courtesy of ABC

Courtesy of ABC

They finally make it to the exciting overnight date location, and Kaitlyn jumps into the whole Nick V v Shawn B situation. He tells Kaitlyn that he confronted Nick V, smiling the whole way through, and no matter how disappointed she tries to look, she’s so into it. They finally get around to that whole “eskimo brother” thing, and we still get no answers about who the famed country singer is… but we do get reminded that Chris Harrison has his female intern write and sign his fantasy suite cards because there’s NO way his handwriting looks like that. Anyway, it’s not even a question on whether he takes the card. They immediately proceed to the next stage. And then we cut to some wind parsing through some dandelions and Shawn B leaving in an abrasive grey hoodie.

Courtesy of ABC

Courtesy of ABC

And then, there’s Nick V. standing there and being like, “Oh hey Shawn B. You wanna talk?” YOU CAN’T TELL ME THAT PRODUCTION WASN’T INVOLVED IN THAT. Anyway, Shawn B loses his shit. I’m not even going to try and censor myself, because that’s what happened. Furthermore, Nick V was like, “Are you threatening me?” and then there’s just jumbled noise. Bros throwing words at one another because like that’s my bish and bro you don’t even know how to… do you even lift? At the end of the discussion, Nick V assumes the defensive and says that he didn’t know that Shawn B spent the entire evening with Kaitlyn, as if he didn’t know that already. But something super important happens next: CHRIS HARRISON APPEARS.

Chris Harrison and Kaitlyn sit down to discuss the final three, and essentially, they say that Shawn B is too jealous, Nick V is too perfect, and Ben H is too likely to get eliminated out of the final three for being normal. Chris Harrison welcomes the guys back into the fold and lets them know that one of them (BEN H COUGH) will be going home. Kaitlyn approaches the guys in a tangerine dress with a PLUNGING neckline and tells them how grateful she is to be alive and have them around and stuff. It’s nice. But then she cries and flees, her back arm bird tats flying behind. She returns, stronger. She gives a short speech, and announces our final two:

1. Shawn B.
2. Nick V.

Just like we said… she got rid of Ben H, which is horseshit. I’m over it tonight guys. This is bonkers 2015. She asks if she can walk him out, but I’d be like, “Hell nah. I’m capable,” but that’s because I’m an asshole and Ben H is a grownup. He’s the world, guys, and maybe the Bachelorette contestant I was most wrong about. He’s a nice boy. Anyway, they put him in the van of shame and send him away before hometown dates. Kaitlyn goes back in to visit the most hateful final two ever, and then we get a solid 30 second pan of the most painfully quiet Bachelorette set ever. Thankfully, Ben H seems to rebound in the van pretty well.

Because production costs are running ABC dry, they’ve just invited both families out to Utah. That’s right, Nick V and Shawn B have both brought their families to the final. Nick V hops in immediately (with more facial hair than ever before, because it’s winter, and it’s manly) to talk to Kaitlyn about love and how he’s there for the #rightreasons. He tells her that he’s more in love with her than he can even say in words. I projectile vomit on my television. I even impressed myself. Then we see Nick’s family, and they’re really, super skeptical of how likely this is to work out for Nick V. I’m glad we’re all on the same page here. I don’t get why they’ve gotten their hopes up so high. He tried to find love in a hopeless place, couldn’t find it, and then went back to look again. GIRL, LET IT GO.

CJ1pfyZUMAAnGmFBella, if you remember from last season, walked up to Andi with a whole list of questions. She was so prepared. This time, she burst into tears before Kaitlyn even arrives. But this time, you can tell that Bella is so over this shit. She asks about Vancouver and just jumps in after that and is like, “Do you love Nick?” It’s fair. She’s another year older and like… she doesn’t need this nonsense. She entertains the idea of having Kaitlyn around, but she doesn’t need to get her heart broken. Not again. Even Nick V’s mom throws some shade and is like, “I know Kaitlyn didn’t bring my son all this way to say no.” Pressure, much?

We move on to Shawn B’s family next, and it’s less desperate and more intense. Shawn B’s hair is ON FLEEK this week. There’s more volume, but it’s surprisingly just as smooth. Kaitlyn and Shawn B nestle by the fire to talk about what will happen when they meet up with his family. So, Shawn B throws down the truth about how it’s the final two and his family is like, “OOOOH NEAT.” His sisters didn’t take any time with jumping in and being like, “GIRL, are YOU here for the right reasons?!” Anyway, they all get along because of course they do. Shawn B asks what their true opinions are, and the sisters pause before gushing about her. CLOSE CALL. But then his dad takes him outside and says, “What the hell is going on?” Please, God, don’t let this be a cliffhanger… again.

CJ1pfyZUMAAnGmFIt’s not, but we only have 8 minutes left so… chop, chop. Long story short, Shawn B’s dad is the opposite of Noah’s dad on The Notebook. He doesn’t think this is legit, and it’s hard for me to blame him because this show is kind of nutty. However, Shawn B is like, “BUT DAD, I LOVE HER.” And then one of his sisters yell, “TRASH, TRASH, TRASH NOT FOR YOU.” Wait. I’m getting my wires crossed. Also, that big proclamation he needed to make to her? It was that he’s in love with her. So then she dismisses him, back off into the Utah wilderness while she contemplates her suitors and their families and her thoughts, and life tbh. Then she cries. She cries one million tears of sadness because how can she ever decide? HOW CAN SHE?

So that’s that for the week. And next week is what has become my favorite episode of each season: [Wo]Men Tell All. That’s where we get to tackle questions like, “Why can’t Jared move on with his life?” and then there’s some other questions, but I can’t get past that first one, because that’s HELLA harsh Chris Harrison. And then we get a little teaser for the finale, but mostly I’m concerned with next week. We’re almost there, babies. I love you… in the way that production wouldn’t allow me to say if I were the lead character on this show.

With love and roses,
Justin

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