The Bachelorette: Does a Fantasy Suite By Any Other Name Smell as Sweet?

Fresh off Kaitlyn essentially telling Cupcake Chris to jump off a cliff, we’re back with The Bachelorette. Let’s go ahead and call a elbow bird tat an elbow bird tat: this season is full blown bonkers. In the past couple weeks, we’ve been dropping guys like the price of Dukes of Hazard merchandise at your local Wal-Mart store. And when the night was over last week, we saw Cupcake Chris essentially dangling over the edge of a cliff. I hope he’s alive–he’d have so many new patient requests if he is! But we don’t have time to talk about that–let’s get to what’s important.

Courtesy of ABC

Courtesy of ABC

Ben H kicks off the night with a date in a boat. She chooses to bring him along because he’ll make her feel good for cutting Cupcake Chris loose, so she naturally talks about hat. He wants to support her love for his competitors, not shun it, which is what my ex wanted me to do with his past lovers, but I wasn’t great at that, so hat tip to Ben H. Anyway, they play hide and seek. They move to a fireplace, because life is a blessing, and even though it’s July in our world, it’s like… a cozy December in theirs, and like, as my friend Nicole says, “Isn’t that nice for them?” They sip hot chocolate and end up getting foam on their mouths. It’s cute! That’s when Ben H decides to reveal his biggest fear–that he loved his last girlfriend, and that now, he’s unloveable. I FEEL THAT FEEL BABY BOY. Clearly, if you know how the franchise works, you know she can’t just simply say that she loves him, but she assuages his fears–I swear, even though I feel these feels sometimes, I’ve never seen a group of guys so honest and brazen about their insecurities. That’s when Katilyn asked if Ben H is a virgin, and he’s like, “LOL NAH.” They kiss, and who knows what happened from there.

Elsewhere, the guys get a group date card, and literally just sit there trying to figure it out/not kill each other. It’s for Nick V, Kentucky Joe, and Shawn B. If you remember, last week Kaitlyn told Shawn B that they need to “take a step back,” so he takes the plunge and says, “Can I steal you for a second?” because rules mean NOTHING to him. Hilariously, from her aside, she says that she’d love to dive in and just tell Shawn B what’s going on with her and Kaitlyn, but she enjoys having a moment that’s not serious–which is few and far between with Shawn B because EVERYTHING IS SO SERIOUS WITH HIM. Then Nick V comes by because of course he does.

She’s all broken about sleeping with him, so she asks what he thinks, and like a total bro, he says, “I like it.” Classic Nick V. They kiss because that’s kind of their “thing,” and then Nick V talks about how sad he would be if there were no rose. Back at the bench camp, Shawn B looks like he’s contemplating killing Kentucky Joe, and then Kentucky Joe kind of looks like he’s contemplating just leaving. Anyway, they finally end up together and he says to her, “I could kiss you and only you for the next 60 years, and I’d be the happiest man in the world.” That’s when I fall over in the floor and just drown in a puddle of my own tears. Ugh, I’m so over you Kaitlyn. She sends him home and Kentucky Joe is like, “GTFO,” so Kaitlyn does.

Courtesy of ABC

Courtesy of ABC

Then Kaitlyn goes back to the benches and refuses to give out a rose AGAIN, explains the situation, and then tells both guys that no one gets the group date rose and that she’ll see them at the rose ceremony… which is nice, considering that the rose ceremony is all but a forgotten art form in this show. Nick V seems to take glee in going back and telling the guys about poor Kentucky Joe’s demise. Elsewhere, Kaitlyn has decided to tell Shawn B that she slept with Nick V, which will surely go over really well, right? RIGHT?! Well, she says it, and that’s when Shawn B stares ahead at her, with his eyes closed. That’s right–he’s throwing her the biggest disappointment shade by not even looking at her. Finally, he says, “Do you regret it?” And that’s when he excuses himself, as his muscles rip out of his tightened pink button up. Damn. Luckily, he says that he’s going to man up because he “can’t be mad,” and then says, “What am I going to do? Storm out of here? No. because I want you.”

Courtesy of ABC

Courtesy of ABC

Then Shawn B joins Nick and Jared again, and Jared welcomes him by essentially saying, “I know you’re going to win this, but at least Nick V isn’t going to win this.” Then, being a total tool shed (which is more than just a tool… it’s an entire collection of tools), Nick V says, “I’m glad you feel so confident. God, I’m so over you, too, Nick V! Everyone gets dressed up and Chris Harrison appears like a dapper little boss and announces that Kaitlyn is not going to talk to anyone before the rose ceremony because she’s made her decision. Such a Kaitlyn move–because she either doesn’t want a rose ceremony or just cuts straight to the chase. GAH. Anyway, here’s the power rankings:

1. Shawn B (who then said he needed to talk to her?!!)
2. Nick V.
3. Ben H.

That little conversation with Kaitlyn mid-rose ceremony? Oh, it’s because Shawn B is 100% over the fact that she slept with Nick V. He asks why she slept with Nick V is he is the one, and that’s when she said that she shouldn’t have told him that he was “the one.” BURN. But the killer here is that she eliminated Jared. SHE ELIMINATED JARED. It makes no damn sense, and I’m 100% done with everything because HE was the strong on. HE was the powerhouse. HE was the stallion in a pack of ponies, and it’s super unfortunate. But it’s also not because he deserves the world. But he’s gone, and everyone is crying tears tonight. Real tears. Tears that MEAN something.

Courtesy of ABC

Courtesy of ABC

Anyway, the overnight dates are now here–I like that they’re not calling Nick V’s date the “fantasy suite” date because the fantasy is over. Nick V and her go to a cathedral and talk about Nick V’s confessional memories and how his parents met. I know this may seem a little uptight, but I don’t think dates should happen in churches. Correction: i don’t think dates should happen between Kaitlyn and Nick V. Then they go to a bar, which is a natural progression, and then some old Irish men tell them about the word “craic.” How fun is that?! The overnight date is that Nick V and Kaitlyn spend their night in a refurbished jail, and it’s a really chic apartment now.

The conversation turns real dark when Nick V gets REAL specific about how a guy is bragging about sleeping with a famous country singer and he’s eskimo brother with his friend. And that’s when he officially throws Shawn B under the bus. And THAT is when Kaitlyn throws NICK under the bus and essentially says, “But like… why does everyone always have bad things to say about you?” DANG. But then they make out because she feels so good about him. SHE JUST DOES. They unsurprisingly decide to stay in the fantasy suite, but then they see that it’s a jail cell. PSYCH. That was a joke–they’re staying at a resort. The next morning (which I feel like we never get to see), we see Nick V and Kaitlyn sharing bacon.

And in the final minutes, which have been a little cliche lately, Shawn B just storms Nick V’s room and wants to tell him what he thinks so that he’s “not talking behind his back,” which is ironic because the whole season is like… almost over. And that’s when Shawn B says that is Kaitlyn ends up with him, it’s chill, because they’re two different guys. Also, Shawn B calls him everything under the sun because he’s like EFF YOU. The screen fades to black and we’ll just have to wait until, you guessed it, next week to see how it plays out.

Oh, and we end the episode seeing that Britt and Brady are still together, but trying long distance. I throw up some pasta, but not like… all the way. I manage to keep most of it down.

And that’s it for this week. Crazy, I know. But at the end of the day, we’re down to three guys: Ben H, who arguably is the most stable of the three, Nick V, who should probably be dating like… a slug, and Shawn B, who’s going to burn Ireland down Carrie-style if he doesn’t win this. What I’m telling you is that Ben H is DEFINITELY not going to win this, and otherwise, there’s really no winning for anyone. What do you think is going to happen next week? Like… seriously… what do you think is going to happen? Do we even know when the finale is? There’s no formatting to this crazy show anymore.

With love and roses,
Justin

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