Oh. My. God.
I don’t want to be a Chris Harrison, but in reality, this is the best season of The Bachelor that’s ever existed. Why? Because there’s literally no second place. One woman wins because she ends up with Chris and the other woman wins because she doesn’t end up living in Arlington, Iowa, and how #blessed are they because of that? In our psuedo-recap, an Instagram filter is put over the camera to give the general feeling that things are cold and anxious.
Hi bb.
Courtesy of ABC.
Becca is like, “LISTEN Y’ALL, I’M NOT SURE IF I’M READY FOR IT ALL,” and Whitney is like, “lol, girl, I am,” and then she inserts a hair flip emoji. But that all comes later because, for now, Chris Supreme Harrison welcomes the audience to the finale, and I LOVE IT because we honestly have NOT seen enough of him this season. It’s not fair. He announces that it’s standing room only at Bachelor Central, but that’s a lie because everyone is seated and you know ABC wouldn’t allow for standing room because that’s definitely a fire hazard. Anyway, that’s not important. Farmer Chris casually wearing an infinity scarf, however, is important.
Chris pulls up to his home in his Chevy Silverado and announces that he’s falling in love with both women. Classic. Meanwhile in Dubuque, Whitney is at a hotel because there’s not a hotel anywhere in/or around Arlington. Whitney finally makes her way into no where, and they love her, because she’s funny and charming and talks about making babies, but it’s a double entendre because she’s a fertility nurse! GET IT?! Five minutes after walking in, she’s crying and literally telling the entire family that this. feels. like. home. and everyone is in love with it, but I can’t take her seriously because she’s drinking white wine with red meat. Clearly lady knows NOTHING.
MISS YOU KISSES.
Courtesy of ABC
However, when his sisters grill him about the girls remaining, he’s like… Whitney makes so much sense and she fits in here and it’s great and Becca… she and… boobs… and she’s so… hi. But when Whitney and the mom sit side by side, Linda Soules can’t even handle it because she’s like, “I lost my mom, and I’ve been so excited to be loved by a mom again, and you make me feel loved,” and honestly, I might cry. That’s where we leave off, and he puts her in the last car she’ll ever see made after 2010. Farmer Chris meets up with his brother in laws in the auto shop after because, men. They talk about feelings, but only a little bit, because, men.
As Becca shows up, I swear to God I thought they were playing “Wake Me Up When September Ends,” which I found to be HILARIOUS. As she gets out of the car, she’s holding cookies, and honestly, we all KNOW that she did not make those cookies herself. Instead of pulling out the emotional buffet line that Whitney did, she opts for laughs and almost laughs alone. She talks about their “road trips” to Arlington, and someone joked that was probably the only road trip ever taken to Arlington… because no one ever goes there. They laugh. But then she’s stripped of her comfort zone, and the sisters are like, “Tell me about what you think the rest of your life will look like,” and Becca is like, “HOLD UP WAIT A MINUTE.” Chris’ sister Lori is super skeptical, and she says, “We’ve seen a California girl not want to come to Iowa before,” and it was super not chill. It was frosty.
Cookies. I brought cookies.
Courtesy of ABC.
Becca is nervous because she doesn’t know what love is, but Mama Soules (Linda) is like, “Let me paint this picture for you, baby.” Then Becca is like, “But, like, what if I just want a relationship?” and the Linda is like, “Well, I guess you’re going to find out. Yikes.” And then Becca goes somewhere not at Chris’ house. After she leaves, the family talks about Chris’ life, ad his brother in law makes a solid point that choosing a spouse is not like choosing as school or a car. That’s smart. So wise. But it’s cool because he has one more date with each of them, and that should be enough to choose a wife. It should. Right? Right?!?
His first date is with Becca. Immediately, there’s a lot of intimate sitting, and there’s an 18 wheeler outside, which solidifies Iowa as the funniest place to have a Bachelor finale. She shoots him straight, and she’s like, “I don’t think I can tell you that I would move to be with you right now. Sorry,” and it’s the realest that anyone in this franchise has ever been. He’s not having it, which is hilarious, because you can tell that his confusion comes with that this is not how the show usually works. But she does know that she likes him, which is about as much commitment as I’m usually willing to put into a 10-week relationship. Seriously. Like, how many of you got engaged after 10 weeks of dating? You cannot blame her for a little trepidation.
As Becca gets even more nervous about life and love, I came across this on Twitter, and it’s genius. God bless you, @britte8705.
Speaking of trepidation… ON OPPOSITE DAY… is Whitney. She’s super effing jazzed to pick corn today. Whitney asks how corn works, and Chris explains it, because that’s what you do when you’re in love. In her home, Whitney explains how everything in her life is finally ending up perfect, and she loves how their his home looks, and hopefully, tomorrowone day, they can make it “their home.” Then, Whitney welcomes him into her hotel room and shows him a picture she had framed of the two of them, which is a good segue into showing him the quilt she had made at Walmart with their faces, but they probably skipped that part.
No regerts. Courtesy of ABC.
She talks about how she likes the simple life, and how she’s pretty cool with giving up her career and being a domestic and losing all of her identity that she’s put together to this point. She feels like they should be more serious, and these are their final moments together and there should be no regerts, which kind of leads you to believe that more sex is coming, but nope–just red wine and conversation. She asks him a question, and he doesn’t respond, but rather asks another question, and she answers because she’s subservient, but she also thinks that he can finish her… come on… YOU KNOW THE ANSWER, CHRIS! He then tells Whitney that he’s excited about her, and that’s pretty nice. Not nearly as nice as all the things that she said to him, but it’s nice, I guess. You have to feel for Whitney, because you know that she wants this shit to be over. People like Whitney deserve to find love and people like Farmer Chris deserve, to be able to actually finish another person’s sentences. They kiss a lot, but it’s super awkward, because you can feel that Whitney wants Chris, but Chris wants Becca, but Becca wants like… a longer talk with Grandmother Willow.
Ayyy baby.
Courtesy of ABC
The next morning, in Iowa, Chris wakes up perfectly shirtless. The entire city sighs and he gazes out the window. He shaves. Becca rubs her eyes and pushes her hair aside. Whitney sips coffee, whimsically, and stares out the window as the Folgers jingle plays in the background. Farmer Chris puts on a shawl collared sweater, and I just gave you SUCH a detailed play by play. Neil Lane appears and probably says, “I didn’t even know Iowa existed.” He pulls out an assortment of rings that could choke a cow, and elsewhere, Becca puts on a crushed velvet gown that is going to get FILTHY in that barn he’s going to propose in. But this barn is the place where he raised (and slaughtered) his first pig. This is so real.
Anyway, as the camera pans over a field of snow and ice, the people in the room I’m watching this in get super distracted that Bette Middler is going to be on Jimmy Kimmel later. But right now, Farmer Chris is the most important person because without him, none of life would matter. He’s so stressed. As we all know, first in is also first out, and WHAT A RELIEF FOR EVERYONE WHEN WE SEE THAT CRUSHED VELVET GOWN GET OUT because Becca’s not ready for anything.
Like, she’s not sure if she wants a small or medium milkshake right now, so it’s best if he’s gonna let this one fly. Chris Harrison welcomes her and then Farmer Chris welcomes her, and she’s like, “Sup?” There is literally cold air breaths going around–that’s how cold Iowa is. When was this even filmed? He explains to her that he could see her being his wife, but… SHE’S NOT READY, and you can just see her face like, “Thank God.” I’ve honestly taken Chick-Fil-A being closed on a Sunday harder than Becca took being turned down by Chris. It’s kind of ridiculous. Her feigned tears were respectable, but clearly, she wasn’t in love, and that’s NOT A BAD THING. IT’S NOT, BECCA.
DAMN 4,000 KARATS.
Courtesy of ABC
Chris collects himself and triumphant Civil War type music plays as Whitney is driven up to the barn where they will live forever. She walks up and Chris Harrison is like, “You’re shaking like a leaf.” I don’t get it, but for some reason, I feel like I could throw up for her. I want her to get this. WE NEED THIS, WHITNEY. She admits how scared she is, and I admit it, too. We’re all so SCARED. And then Chris finally says he loves her, and I scream, because that means it’s real. IT’S SO REAL. He gets down on one knee and asks if she’s ready, and she’s like, “NO!” and I’m like, “BITCH, DON’T RUIN THIS. ONE OF US CRAZY ASSES HAS TO GET A HAPPY ENDING!” but she’s kidding, and they’re in love, and I’m so effing excited.
I have never in my life heard “I love you” exchanged so many times in my life. They sit in the opening of a barn and contemplate all the kids they’ll have, because sex is all there is to do in Arlington. This is the beginning of the same thing forever. And then, Chris Supreme, in his best attempt to be a Mean Girl, puts the doubt in our mind that he might have changed his decision, but the man would NEVER do that. He’s chosen Baby Whitney. He loves her. Chris explains that he might have loved Becca or did love Becca or whatever, but it doesn’t matter because he loves Whitney for sure. Double true.
We’re not going to recap the rest of this poppycock because love is love and that’s what we have here. Real love. Also, Becca feels like this helped her learn to love, which is nice. Whitney runs out an into Chris’ arms, and GOD IT FEELS LIKE LOVE. Farmer Chris talks about how he wanted to find someone like his sister, which is NOT translating well, but I think the sentiment is essentially there. Whitney talks about how she didn’t watch the show, and in her mind, I think she thought that was more shocking than it was. Chris Supreme keeps egging her on, and she said her decision to not watch was a “game-time” decision, and I can see her in her living room, having external monologue and saying, “Whitney, girl, The Bachelor, is coming on, but like… no. we’re not going to watch it. We’re going to watch 13 Going on 30 again. Good decision, girl. Good decision.” And then she poured herself a glass of Chardonnay and called it a night.
In an EXCLUSIVE CLIP, Y’ALL, Grandmother Willow and Papa Soules roll up (in houndstooth, nonetheless) and they’re so excited that they got married. Back in the studio, we catch up with Ashley S again. She’s like, “I suppose I might be on Bachelor in Paradise.” She almost seemed normal. Then Chris Supreme reveals that Whitney has been, wait for it, going to Arlington to visit Farmer Chris. It’s obnoxious, because it’s not a secret at all. It’s just couch-talk among friends.
But the big takeaway is… The Bachelorette is… KAITLYN THE CANADIAN!!! and Britt?
This is the dumbest effing decision ever. Britt is gross and I hate this. No one wanted Britt to be The Bachelorette. Everyone wanted Kaitlyn. Apparently, they decide on premiere night who gets to be the Bachelorette by vote of the bachelors, because, men. #Patriarchy
Le sigh. That’s it. I’ll miss you, like Chris misses that first pig he raised and slaughtered. It’s been a beautiful journey, and I watch a whole bunch of TV. Probably shows that you watch, too! Follow me @justinkirkland4 and let’s tweet together. I’ll keep recapping, and you know I’ll see you in a few months when our girl, Kaitlyn, returns to start her own Bachelorette journey after she slaughters Britt on the first night. I love you. I’d propose to you in a barn. I’d excuse you if you wore a crushed red velvet dress. Mean it.
You guys give me life.
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With love and roses,
Justin
Justin Watches Television 