Hey. Didn’t we do this like… yesterday? Yes, that’s right we did, but it’s premiere week and we CAN’T miss premiere week, AMIRITE? So here we are again, it’s a Thursday night, and it’s time to meet the rest of this year’s Big Brother cast. Voice of God, Julie Chen, has returned for her second night of hosting duties. I’ve decided that one of the most underrated parts of this show is Julie Chen’s general appearance, so it is paramount that I point out this little asymmetrical fuchsia number that she is sporting tonight. She has her hair pulled back–simply put, Julie Chen is the definition of what it means to be fashion forward. But we all know how amazing Julie Chen is… let’s skip to the next 8 houseguests.
QUEEN Courtesy of CBS
JUST IN CASE YOU MISSED LAST EPISODE: Voice of God Jr. fills us in that 8 people moved in. Amber, Sexy Rock, Kelly Osbourne, Hipster Nurse, Ducky Donnysty, Frankie Grande, Pao Pao, and Cody. They are all pretty and attractive and semi-likeable. Everyone wants to screw someone else, except for Hispter Nurse and Duck Donnysty because they love each other and love is about more than sex. Anyway, everyone walked on a log until Frankie was the only one left standing. He’s the HOH. BUT WAIT. There’s going to be 8 more people (duh.) and another HOH (what?!). And that’s what you missed on Glee Big Brother!
Something that I totally forgot to say last post is that I absolutely love how people find their “keys” to the Big Brother house. Like… WHO THE HELL PUT A GIANT KEY WITH MY NAME ON IT IN MY ALREADY PACKED SUITCASE? or “Hello m’am. I’ve brought your drinks… oh, what is this? A giant key with your name on it? Sure, you can have that too.” This show is my world y’all. My kitschy, campy world. But anyway, here’s the new houseguests.
Victoria is a photographer. She’s originally from Israel, but now she’s not. Production made her look like an extra from the completely underrated reality show, The Shahs of Sunset, which is vaguely racist on the part of CBS, but then again, what is Big Brother if it’s not vaguely racist?
He uses AXE body spray. I’ll let you do the rest. Courtesy of CBS
Then there’s Caleb, who is from Kentucky. He calls himself a metrosexual country boy, but considering that he finds it acceptable to still wear pocket chains, I’m going to venture to say that he’s not. He puts product in his hair. Also, apparently he called President Obama a “Muslim Monkey” and likes to use homophobic slurs, so good for Caleb.
Brittany is coming out of a 10 year marriage. She’s a mom who has three kids. She lives in Long Beach, and I imagine that she drinks a lot of Arbor Mist. She cried when she got her ticket because Big Brother is exciting and divorce is hard.
Christine is the epitome of the manic pixie dream girl. She’s a barista. She’ll be great.
Derrick is a police officer who is also a self-described “high school looking” guy. Whatever floats your boat man.
Zach is a recent college grad who seems to be living off his parents’ money. He reminds me a lot of that guy from Scandal who was in trouble with the law, but his mom tried to use Olivia Pope to get him out of it. He claims he doesn’t have any friends, but he loves to golf with his little brother. On paper that should make him likeable, but for some reason, it doesn’t translate onto camera.
Praise. Courtesy of ABC.
Rev. Jocasta is a minister, a motivational speaker, a gaudy bow tie enthusiast, a Rihanna look alike, our apparent token black girl, and the only person who has every given praise to God for being thrust into one of the most ungodly games that’s ever been invented, let alone televised. She’s a mom, and the reason that she’s an awesome mom is because God gave them to her.
Hayden is a more attractive McCrae. He drives a pedicab and he made straight A’s in college. They’ll think he’s stupid, and… they may be right.
I’m sorry. Quote of my life. Rev. Jacosta says, “I’ve done a lot of things. I’ve done a lot of people. Men, women…”
Rev. Jocasta, Christine, Hayden, and Caleb get to go in first. Everyone is like, “WE’RE SO HAPPY UR HERE,” but they’re obviously not. Or maybe they are. Maybe they’ve already gotten tired of each other. Caleb’s first diary room entry is about how hot Amber is, and I’m just like, “LEAVE HER ALONE. SHE IS BETTER THAN YOU.” Rev. Jocasta is real worried about finding a bed, but most of all, it needs to be with a woman because her husband and God are watching. Christine is married, too, so we need to find her a lady stat.
Hayden, however is literally giving everyone dopplegangers–Sexy Rock is well, the Rock. Amber is Whitney Houston. Cody is John Travolta? It was strange. Hipster Nurse thinks that the existing alliance is going to crumble, and it makes her, and I quote, “really sad.” Anyway, they finally pop a squat and start to introduce themselves over champagne. Rev. Jacosta introduces herself as a minister, and Pow Pow is like, “HOW WILL SHE PLAY?” because everyone screams in the diary room. I guess she doesn’t know that Rev. Jacosta has done everything and everyone. Oh yeah, and Brittany is 29 and has three kids–which means she was married at 19? GAH GIRL U BEEN BUSY?
Frankie loves a good cricket impression. Courtesy of CBS.
Frankie and Victoria automatically fall in love. Victoria thinks she’s the prettiest, and so does Frankie, so it works. They want to go to the end together. And then there’s Pow Pow sizing up Caleb, and it’s kind of like putting a cat in the same room as a Chihuahua–you aren’t sure if they’re going to love each other or kill each other. I’m going to lean toward kill each other. Duck Donnysty brings everyone in with his cricket impersonation. So much is happening, but in the same breath… nothing is happening.
Zach makes good on his word and makes no attempt to make friends at all. Actually, he just throws a lot of shade at Frankie and pisses him off, so, I guess you did a good job at… being yourself? But Julie interrupts to start the next HOH competition. Luckily, Rev. Jacosta grabs a minute to thank God for everything, and then they head outside. Apparently, the strategy behind this competition is to hold on to this giant barbecue spit and don’t fall off. It’s awkward. For a while, they talk about butts, but then people finally start falling off. Victoria is first out and Frankie is sad. They throw in some “sauce,” and it suddenly becomes a strange hybrid of Carrie and a Kraft commercial. Brittany, Rev. Jocasta, and Christine follow. It comes down to the boys. Most everyone gave up so that they weren’t the major competitor for the first week, but Caleb was all, “I don’t care if everyone thinks I’m strong because I am.” And I guess that’s why he won.
THEY’RE ALL GONNA LAUGH AT YOU. Courtesy of CBS.
Anyway, Caleb referred to himself as “Papa Bear,” and I feel like it’s going to be so strange to see him and Frankie work together. All the houseguests gather in the living room and Julie Chen explains that each HOH will nominate two houseguests for eviction. That means four people on the block. Then the two sets of nominees battle each other and the winning duo will be “freed” and the HOH will be “dethroned.” So, that’s really complicated for no reason, but it is the craziest summer yet.
To finish up, Julie Chen reveals the first member of #TeamAmerica. America gets to control this alliance and each time they accomplish something, they each get $5,000. It’s so much power, but then again, is it? Look at what we did with Elissa last summer. Honestly, I don’t think she really knew how to play the game. BUT, the first member of this #TeamAmerica is Joey, aka Kelly Osbourne. She’s so jazzed y’all.
Kelly Osbourne is our first favorite! Courtesy of CBS.
But that’s it. Julie leaves us to eavesdrop in the houseguest. Frankie climbs on Caleb’s back, and surprisingly, Caleb doesn’t fire off some kind of outlandish comment. Amber says, “My turn,” but no one cares. She will NOT be getting a piggy back ride. So what do you think? How do you think the double HOH twist will work out? Is Caleb going to be super racist or is CBS just trying to drum up another Aaryn situation? And how effective will this #TeamAmerica thing end up being? Follow me @justinkirkland4 for #BB16 tweets. But for now…
Remember to keep your boobs out, and you’ll be fine,
Justin
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